Happiness, Obscene Fish Tacos, and Biggest Loser 9 January 4, 2010

Well, today was an interesting first day practicing “happiness.”

The good…

I was *finally* able to recite my 11 commandments by heart for the first time. The “give thanks” and the “live, don’t exist” kept escaping me. I’m guessing I need to work on those first!

I got enough sleep, joined my husband for breakfast (normally he eats and I sleep), and started my day on a positive note – even though I was coming back to work after 11 straight days off. Way harsh.

Two colleagues and I were treated to lunch in celebration of our supreme awesomeness, and with no prior knowledge of the restaurant, I made some really good choices.

If I may digress slightly…I chose chicken tortilla soup and one chicken enchilada. It was a toss up between those and the grilled mahi mahi tacos. Can I just tell you that I found out later that the tacos were 3x the calories and 70+ grams of fat. FOR FUCKING GRILLED FISH TACOS (On the Border have you lost your damn mind?).

I opened up a bit to a friend and, in turn, she opened up to me. Both feelings were awesome.

The not-so-good (or, rather, the *future opportunities*):

First night home and I caved on my “no checking work email.” I did contemplate the decision for a while but I figured a quick check to satisfy my curiosity was much better than obsessing over the entire evening. All things considered, I made the right choice tonight but…yeah.

—

Tomorrow will be fun. A friend and I are doing our own Biggest Loser thing. The theme of Season 9 is Couples and we’re Team Plaid. We will have an official weigh in tomorrow, trade updates with food journals, and “compete” against a chosen contestant (our goal will be to lose 10% of what they do – as noble as our intentions are, I’m just not seeing -22 pound weekly weight losses).

My goal for the Season 9 finale will be 10% of whatever I weigh tomorrow.

Biggest Loser Season 8, Week #7 October 28, 2009

Damn. This was a raw, raw episode. I sobbed through half of it.

Okay, #5 random things about last night’s show.

1. Rudy? Losing 101 pounds in 7 weeks is INSANE. I just cannot even fathom what that’s got to be like.

2. Shay. Some people say she is annoying but my heart broke for her yesterday. I relate to what it’s like to want to protect the “kid” in you. She’s had a hard life and I believe she has it within her to break free from the struggle. I want to root for her so badly.

3. Amanda. She still grates on me but the more I think about it the less crazy she makes me and the more I think I’m starting to get her. This is hard and maybe she’s just never done “hard” before. It must be a weird feeling to not be the biggest in the room any more. That mental adjustment has to take more time than she’s been given. I kind of understand her a bit more.

4. Daniel. Sigh. What is up with Daniel? I hate the implied premise that he’s not doing something right or he’s sneak eating or something, because in everyday life what he’s accomplished is phenomenal. From 416 to 270 and losing 5 pounds a week is a success story by anyone’s standards and yet, questions remain. I kind of wish he’d have stepped up last night and offered to go home instead of Abby. Not because I think he “deserves” to go home, but he’s had two trips to the ranch. There comes a point where you just say, it’s my time.

5. Abby. If she wasn’t already, she became everyone’s heroine last night. What an inspiration, in so many ways. If there is any good at all to come from her experience, let her be the beacon of hope for fat girls like me who are so wrapped up in their own insignificant-by-comparison melodramas. If Abby can do it, damn well so can we.

Biggest Loser Season 8, Week #6 October 20, 2009

Five random thoughts about this week’s episode.

#1. I love Abby. I bawled at her homecoming. I kept thinking that of all the people that should be there, it was those who weren’t that made me sad.
#2. I wanted to crawl through the TV and give Shay the biggest hug imaginable. I totally felt her pain in that gym She broke my heart but made me so proud of her.
#3. I hated seeing Rebecca cry because she only lost 5 pounds. Boo. But then Shay lost the same amount and she was excited. Funny how that works out.
#4. Danny rocked it. I was so happy to see his -15.
#5. OMG Daniel. +1. Oh. My. God. That killed me. KILLED ME. I think Daniel needs to stay but on the on the other hand, he’s had 2 tries at this where most people never get a shot at it. So is it “fair” to keep him? I don’t know. I’m sad that Dina had to leave but I’m happy Daniel is still around a little while longer. And Dina is rocking it at home. Bully for her.

I hope Black Team wins the next few challenges because there’s not one person on that team I want to see leave. As long as Blue still has Tracey on it, I have hope.

Jillian Michaels Wants to Know What I *Want* October 19, 2009

Something Jillian Michaels said on Biggest Loser two weeks ago is still bouncing around my head.

Background: They had all gone out to dinner to learn how to order healthful items in a restaurant and Rebecca was being a bit sullen because she really wanted a margarita or something. Jillian asked her what she wanted to lose weight for – what were her reasons – and Rebecca came back with some wishy-washy stuff. Jillian said as much, but that it was a start, and asked her to really focus on concrete, tangible goals. Otherwise, she said, if there wasn’t something looming on the horizon that was important and solid, then all of this would seem like torture and it wouldn’t prepare her well to achieve her goal.

And she’s absolutely right.

I have an impossible time setting solid, concrete goals…and embarking on a healthy path in life really can feel like torture. I think we focus so much on abstract things (“I want to be skinny!”) without really knowing what that means. What does being skinny or healthy really mean? It’s different for everybody, and sometimes what we think it means (“I will be happy!”) isn’t accurate, so when we start to get close to it, and then realize we may have been mistaken, it falls apart on us.

I have also spent the majority of my life trying to please others. Most likely I was trying to make them like me (so…I’d like myself? Hello, revelation). I’m sure I was also trying to make me feel more like them, and less like an outcast. I have spent so much of my life trying to better understand how the “other half” lives and what they like that I really don’t know who I am or what I like or what I want. I don’t really know what my favorite color is. I say “green” out of default response. I really don’t know what my favorite food or movie is, or what I’d most like to do on a vacation day. I’ve never spent enough time with myself as my own “friend” to really know these things. Isn’t that sad? Now, what does this have to do with weight loss you may be asking? Well, I think it has to do why I can never settle on – or achieve – a concrete, solid goal. Nothing has resonated so far.

I think this is why I’ve really latched on to this Hawaii thing and am trying to make it a catalyst. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s XX weeks/months or XXX days away, and I do that to reinforce the fact that I need to make specific decisions and take specific actions TODAY so that when those weeks and days eventually get here I will have seen some “reward” for those actions.

Today I ate instant oatmeal and a banana for breakfast – instead of something less healthy from the cafeteria – because it’s something that gets me closer to my Hawaii goal (and it’s better for me, but for whatever reason that notion falls flat for me more times than not). Today I brought a turkey sandwich for lunch – because it’s something that gets me closer to my Hawaii goal (and ditto above). But back to Jillian’s point, is this concrete and solid enough to last me through those days and moments of doubt?

What does “Hawaii” mean to me? And really, the question I should be asking myself is what does “Healthy” mean to me? What do I WANT? I don’t really know and I need to figure it out.

• I want to live a long and active life with my husband.
• I want to walk without pain.
• I want to feel good about myself and about my health.
• I want more clothing options and to choose styles and colors that reflect my tastes and preferences and not just what covers me.
• I want to be less self-conscious about my body and my surroundings.
• I want to ride a bicycle.
• I want to lay in a hammock without worrying about its weight limit.
• I want to feel young and vital, not “old” before my time.
• I want to feel like I can do anything without my size limiting me.

That’s a start.

Biggest Loser Season 8, Week #5 October 13, 2009

Five random thoughts about this week’s episode.

Um, no, I have only one thing to say about this week.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
We got this/close to chucking crazy off the show and Mo falls on the sword? For REALS? I almost hate him a little bit. Maybe he wanted to escape the crazy himself. I can’t believe we have Tracey to “enjoy” for another week.

God I hate her.

<trying to find my zen>

Biggest Loser Season 8, Week #4 October 6, 2009

Five random thoughts about this week’s episode.

#1. So proud of Daniel and Shay for holding on as long as they did.
#2. I am sick of hearing Amanda say she’s “America’s choice.” Bitch, please. I voted for the other girl.
#3. I can’t believe Danny’s only 37. I’d have voted to keep Brown too.
#4. Still hate Tracey. And even though Mo nearly broke. his. back. to keep the purple team in play, he still lost out to Tracey on who to write down for elimination. She is evil and he’s a patsy.
#5. No matter who she’s yelling at, Jillian always makes me cry about me.

I am not the Biggest Loser. Just a deadbeat. September 29, 2009

Okay, I’ve been doing a random thoughts thing about each week thus far, only this time my thoughts cannot be put into a simple list.

Oh. My. God.

This episode just ripped me open and made me feel like complete crap for so many reasons. In a good way I suppose? Does that even make any sense?

This whole “second chances” theme is really deep. I look at Abby. She lost her husband and children in a car crash. I don’t even know how she functions with that level of grief and she is doing this. I look at Sean. 400 pounds and Jillian has him running on the treadmill. Amanda. Bob is beating the crap out of her. Telling her that saying “I can’t” pisses him off. Because she could, and she did. And then there’s Shay. The heaviest woman ever – more than 100 pounds heavier than me now – and she’s getting stronger every week. Wow.

And me? What the hell am *I* doing? Nothing. Not-a-goddamned-thing. And that’s humbling and embarrassing and wasteful. WASTEFUL! Can I run on a treadmill? Maybe not. Can I carry 25 pound weights back and forth up a ramp? Probably shouldn’t. But I can lift weights. And I can swim. And I can probably ride a stationary bike.

I have spent way too much time this year focused on what I’ve lost – sadly, not weight – but not what I have. What I can do. I *CAN* do things. I’m choosing NOT to do them. And that’s wrong. And it’s wasteful. And I should be ashamed. And I need to knock it off and start doing.

—

Biggest Loser Season 8, Week #3

Five random thoughts about this week’s episode.

#1. I fucking hate Tracey
#2. I could really do without the product placement. Can I subscribe to a non-ad version of the show?
#3. I love how Jillian got Dina to run, and how Dina told her not to talk to her while she did it.
#4. Look at Sean and Antoine now!! Love them. L.o.v.e. them!!
#5a. Biggest Loser Love!!!
#5b. I fucking hate Tracey

Biggest Loser Season 8, Week #2 September 22, 2009

Five random thoughts about this week’s episode.

#1. This show just guts me to my core. And *really* makes me miss my trainer.
#2. Rebecca is gorgeous. Gorgeous.
#3. I’m glad they’re showing more nutrition segments so far. It’s the most “education” I’ve seen on this show in a long time.
#4. I can’t believe Rudy has lost 46 pounds in 2 weeks. Holy moly.
#5. GO Shay! GO Daniel! GO Shay! GO Daniel! GO Shay!

Week #3 is going to be a bitch.

Biggest Loser Season 8, Week #1 September 16, 2009

Five random thoughts about this week’s episode.

#1. Shay. 476 pounds. Damn. God bless her for getting up there.
#2. Abby. OMG. Did your heart break when she shared her story? Mine did.
#3. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that one can be disappointed when losing 13 pounds in. one. week.
#4. Loving Mo. And the red team. And Dan. Not loving Amanda’s eyebrows.
#5. I think keeping Julio was the right choice. He needs it more. Alexandra looks amazing already. Good for her.

That is all.

(This will be a weekly thing for me)