Extended absence is ending today. When I’m here – when I am actively participating in my “recovery” – I do well. When I don’t, I flail. I am tired of flailing.
Yesterday I got on the scale and it was 354.4. And that simply will not do. I cannot spend the rest of my life at this weight. With a 3 before my weight. I truly do not know what is possible for me to accomplish but I damn well know I was in the 200s for a good part of my life (longer than I’d like) and that’s my goal. Nebulous as that is, it’s still a great goal for me.
I spent the day putting my house in order, literally and figuratively. I find that when I’m floundering, everything else around me in a similar state of disarray. I cleaned out my junk drawers. I found my bathroom counter again (dood…it was bad). I organized my dresser. I made life easier for me in the mornings. All of these are good things.
I came across some clothing items that don’t fit and I gave them a good look. Some I tossed. Some I designated as a “Spring” goal and they’re folded away and waiting for me. These items are completely realistic goals for Spring…and it would be lovely if they were a bit biggish by then. So…I’ll be checking back on the first day of Spring 2010 and let you know how that goes.
In the meantime, I’ve been thinking about the New Year and resolutions. And I cringe even typing that because I KNOW you’re all rolling your eyes at me –> the girl who cannot achieve a goal is thinking about resolutions? Srsly? I know. But it’s what I do. It’s the annual Self-Improvement Project.
This year, I think, I’m going to go about it a bit differently. I read a snippet in a magazine about The Happiness Project, and I am intrigued. I don’t know about you but I could do with a SERIOUS dose of happiness about now. So, I’m going to make it December’s goal to read up more on this and come up with my monthly resolutions/goals/aspirations. Oh, and I will resurrect my Scale Experiment for December. Of course, I just decided this right after I deleted that page. Impulse decision much?
Also on the docket for 2010 – better nutrition. I’ve decided that we’re going to purchase a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) share. I found our farm through through Local Harvest. Starting in Spring and going through early December next year, I’ll be picking up a box of produce from a local farm each week. This is from the farm’s website:
The average amount of produce received is slightly more than half a bushel. This is equivalent to a standard grocery bag. Here are some examples of what to expect:
* Typical Spring Vegetable Share: 1 Bunch of Radishes, 1 Bunch of Baby Beets, 1 Bunch of Green Onions, 1 Bunch of Baby Carrots, 2 Heads of Lettuce, 1 Bag of Spinach, 1 Bag of Buckwheat Sprouts
* Typical Summer Share: 2 Heads of Broccoli, 1 Bunch of Carrots, 3 Medium Zucchini, 1 Head of Garlic, 1 Head of Lettuce, 1 Bunch of Swiss Chard, 1 Bunch of Basil, 1 Pound of Green Beans
* Typical Fall Share: 4 Pounds of Potatoes, 2 Pounds of Winter Squash, 1 Bag of Spinach, 1 Bunch of Thyme, 8 Ounces of Cranberries, 1 Head of Cabbage, 2 Medium Onions
It’s a romantic idea for me now – local, fresh-tasting fruits, vegetables and herbs. Gorgeous greens and vibrant reds and and…other colors I’m sure. Now, my husband is dubious because I am not exactly a veggie girl. I mean, I like corn. 
And, to be honest, the list above is recognizable to me. I went through their weekly newsletters and found a few things I’ve never quite heard of before like…celeriac? But I’ve been experimenting with roasting vegetables lately and it’s gone very well. Then again, I imagine I could roast just about anything with a little olive oil and garlic and it would be edible. Doing this has helped me to conquer a serious phobia of cooked cauliflower and Brussels sprouts. And that gives me hope. So celeriac here I come!
So, yeah, that’s where my head’s at right now. There’s a lot more beneath the surface that I’m trying to take control of. Like the fact that I’m TRYING to find my zen for the next two weeks where I’ll be in the midst of a work project that’s high visibility and one that I’m not suitably trained for. It makes me vulnerable and that scares me. And…huh…that’s the first time I’ve been able to articulate my unease about it. So that’s got to be a positive step forward, right? And being scared/stressed leads me to make THE most unhealthy choices so I’m trying to spin it in my head a bit. It’s just a job. The people who will be evaluating me KNOW this is not my forte. They know I’m doing the best I can with little resources and training. And it will be fine. It’s not rocket science, and it’s not curing cancer. It. Will. Be. Fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
It will be fine.
And finally, I just want to say thank you for the few people who read this. I love you. And I know that it’s going to be a long process of ups and downs and pitfalls and setbacks (and…let’s start being more positive here) and successes and GOALS ACHIEVED.
