OMGOMGOMGOMG! April 18, 2010

Yes, I’m just *that* excited.

For the first time in a long time, I went back to the gym today. I earned my first Weight Watcher Activity Points!

I was really nervous going in because I knew I wanted to test my knee out on the elliptical and bike, and had no idea what I was in for. My first few moments on the elliptical were dicey – I was kind of afraid to push down on my leg to get it going, but once I did, I hit my groove. Very fluid motion, no real complaints from my knee. I was SO HAPPY. Like, crazy joy happy. Did 10 minutes to start.

The stationery bike, on the other hand, was not so happy-making. I could not find the sweet spot between leg extension and knee bend so it was a problematic experience. Only did 10 minutes on that. I will try again, maybe on a different machine. I’m not convinced it was the repetitive nature that caused me a problem, I think it was just positioning.

So what did I do? Went back to the elliptical. For another 10 minutes. So, 20 minutes total. Which for me, and my knee, is HUGE. My heart rate was in the zone the entire time (both times, actually) and I was all tomato-facey.

Then my husband helped me strength train for another half hour – getting me reacquainted with free weights again. We went through a few sets of shoulders, biceps, triceps, deltoids and bench press. I worked.

And it felt awesome. I can *do* this. There is hope after all.

YAY!

Weight Watchers Day #9 March 23, 2010

Progress, methinks. Progress.

It’s Day 9.

I’ve lost 6 pounds. I’ve been tracking, and staying within my points, and managing my hunger.
I’ve been bringing my breakfast and lunch to work and haven’t been tempted by either the free bagels or the cafeteria.
I have attended a splurge-a-riffic birthday/wine tasting celebration and managed to stay within flex.
I had a crazy jones for red velvet cake with cream cheese icing, so I made 72 mini cupcakes (like 2-bite cupcakes) so I could make them points friendly.

So far, so good I think!

I’m still finding it…tiring…to plan and plan and plan. But it’s gotten a wee little bit easier and I suspect it will continue to do so over time.

My next challenge to overcome is finding a way to be consistently active. Because of my knee issues, activity scares me a bit. I’ve been really gunshy about getting back to the gym or the pool. I’m scared it’s going to hurt but, if I’m going to be completely honest with myself, I’m terrified to find that I might not be able to be active. Because that would make it impossible to lose all this weight. I think that’s the reason I’ve been avoiding. That’s the root of my fear. Huh. Oh boy.

Must.go.to.gym.this.week.

Root me on, peeps.

An Open Letter to My Inner Fat Girl January 17, 2010

Dear Inner Fat Girl,

Hi. We don’t normally take the time to chat, so this may be a bit of an awkward conversation, but let’s see how it goes. There’s a few things that I’ve been wanting to discuss with you.

First, please know that I hear you. All day, every day, I hear you. You needn’t shout. You needn’t make it difficult for me to concentrate on anything else. I hear you. And I understand you.

I know where you’re coming from. I know that you hurt. I know that you’ve been left, and that being left sucks. And I’m sorry for your pain. I understand why you lash out at me when you’re scared and frustrated – and when you’re afraid I will leave you. I know you don’t want to be alone. I know you say things to me that come from pain, not from the truth. I get it.

What I would like you to know is that it doesn’t have to be this way. I wrote a blog about exorcising you from me because, well, you’re mean. And I don’t deserve your cruelty. But if you work with me a little bit, I won’t try to send you away. You need to trust me that what I need to do for myself can make us both happy.

When I feed you new foods, it’s not to starve you. It’s to make us healthy and nourished. You need to help me by embracing this change and stop whispering about this food or that food until it makes me crazy. Please encourage me to prepare my meals in advance and discourage me from thinking I can “wing it.” You can’t possibly enjoy the crap I stuff down our throat when I’m in that situation.

When I get up the nerve to go to the gym, it’s not to punish you. It’s to help make us strong and powerful and confident. And, you know, the chance to wear some new and smaller clothes once in a while. Please help me by not being afraid of working hard. It might not be the easiest or most comfortable thing we’ll do, but we won’t die. And, you know as well as I do, that you don’t complain to me as much when you see that we’ve gone a little bit longer, or farther, or heavier. I promise that if you give me just a little bit of effort and a little less whining, I won’t go all Jillian Michaels on us. Pinky swear.

When I look into the mirror, please help me feel better about what I see. Be kinder to me. Instead of parroting back my own insecurities, try something new and pay me a compliment. Help me appreciate what I have now, and love myself for who and what I am today, so that I can feel hopeful and honest about creating a me that’s more “me.”

Don’t be afraid of losing our “armor.” It’s not a shell, and it’s not tough. It doesn’t protect us so much as it buries us. Losing it and become smaller will bring some changes, and some of those changes will be scary. Getting smaller in a lot of ways will make us seem “bigger.” People may notice us a little more, and pay more attention to us, and that can be a little squicky – but we can handle that. We’ll work through that together.

No matter how I change my body or my mind, I will always have you with me to remind me where I’ve come from. I love you, Inner Fat Girl. You have always been worthy of love, even if you didn’t believe it. I know you have done what you thought was best sometimes. I know you’ve tried to protect me from taking risks. I know you’ve tried to console my pain. You have taught me some valuable things throughout the years. How to be more compassionate to others who walk down this road. How to stay grounded and not get a big head. You’ve tried to care for me in the best way you know how. Now it’s time to let me take care of you and make you the best you can be. Please let me.

Help me want this as much for me as I want it. Be my partner. Be my friend.

Love,

Me & Inner Fit Girl

I am not the Biggest Loser. Just a deadbeat. September 29, 2009

Okay, I’ve been doing a random thoughts thing about each week thus far, only this time my thoughts cannot be put into a simple list.

Oh. My. God.

This episode just ripped me open and made me feel like complete crap for so many reasons. In a good way I suppose? Does that even make any sense?

This whole “second chances” theme is really deep. I look at Abby. She lost her husband and children in a car crash. I don’t even know how she functions with that level of grief and she is doing this. I look at Sean. 400 pounds and Jillian has him running on the treadmill. Amanda. Bob is beating the crap out of her. Telling her that saying “I can’t” pisses him off. Because she could, and she did. And then there’s Shay. The heaviest woman ever – more than 100 pounds heavier than me now – and she’s getting stronger every week. Wow.

And me? What the hell am *I* doing? Nothing. Not-a-goddamned-thing. And that’s humbling and embarrassing and wasteful. WASTEFUL! Can I run on a treadmill? Maybe not. Can I carry 25 pound weights back and forth up a ramp? Probably shouldn’t. But I can lift weights. And I can swim. And I can probably ride a stationary bike.

I have spent way too much time this year focused on what I’ve lost – sadly, not weight – but not what I have. What I can do. I *CAN* do things. I’m choosing NOT to do them. And that’s wrong. And it’s wasteful. And I should be ashamed. And I need to knock it off and start doing.

—

Biggest Loser Season 8, Week #3

Five random thoughts about this week’s episode.

#1. I fucking hate Tracey
#2. I could really do without the product placement. Can I subscribe to a non-ad version of the show?
#3. I love how Jillian got Dina to run, and how Dina told her not to talk to her while she did it.
#4. Look at Sean and Antoine now!! Love them. L.o.v.e. them!!
#5a. Biggest Loser Love!!!
#5b. I fucking hate Tracey

Sweatember and “Fall”ing in Love with Me August 31, 2009

Could I have written a more pretentious blog post title?

So…I had a bit of a wallow-fest yesterday. It happens. I’m feeling better today, less pain, and I’m going with it.

Back in May, I led an exercise challenge with a group of ladies on a message board I frequent. It was called “Every Day in May” and involved completing 30 min of exercise every day of the month. I completed it, but paid a price for it in that my knee problems went from Defcon 1 to Defcon 5. I’ve essentially been idle since. In part because I don’t really know what type of exercise is best for me (read: won’t cause me more pain) and in LARGER part because my ass has been lazy and wallow-y.

This same group of ladies have begun a new challenge: Sweatember. Same principle, different month. I’m feeling a need to be a part of something, and this is as good as anything else, so I’m going to give it a whirl on a modified scale. My Sweatember goal is 3x a week, 30 min a day. Probably going to be 2 days of stationary biking and 1 day of swimming.
_ _ _

Something else I’m working on is loving/liking myself more…better…not sure which is more appropriate. I spend a lot of time not dealing with myself. Looking only at my face in the mirror, if I bother. I’ve lost that self-care gene (this, of course, assumes I once *had* it). I dwell on my faults and insecurities. I basically let Fat Girl bully me around and tell me how much I suck. Which, I’m guessing, isn’t helpful?

In conjunction with Sweatember and the impending onset of Fall, I thought I’d try a new challenge and deliberately focus on activities that will force me to deal with me. So I’m FALLing in love with me (cheesy title I know). Each day this month I will do something special or kind to myself. That could be as mundane as making sure I drink all of my water (which is good for me), to making sure that my hair is styled (no pony) and I’ve got at least mascara on. Something that indicates I care about myself.

So that’s my plan.

And on the bright side, my ankle? Feels better today. My knee? Ditto. Good day.

Pain is Defining Me August 2, 2009

It’s remarkable how much my knee pain affects my mood. Yesterday was awful – lots of pain. And all I really did was go to two different stores. An hour and a half trip, tops. And I felt like I could barely walk. So defeating.

Today, for whatever reason, it was better today. And *I* was better. I laughed, I was more active. I felt more like me – whoever that is.

Pain is defining me.

When I feel better, I have better daydreams about my Hawaiian vacation next year. When I’m in pain, I don’t think about Hawaii. Nor do I have much positivity about the future. Because I don’t want to think about not being able to walk on a beach or explore. When I’m not in pain, I research kayaking of all things. Fat Girl in a kayak is the epitome of optimism about the future. I’ve seen fatter (or maybe equally-as-fat) people in kayaks. It’s possible, right?

I know the best thing I can do for my knee is lose weight, even if activity isn’t my best friend at the moment. But each time I try to manage my food, I end up losing control and vowing to do better the next day. It’s ridiculous how much this cycle repeats. It’s compulsive. The minute I get a thought in my head about food, it consumes me. The vending machine here, a glass of wine there, a full out binge in the evening. I don’t know how to shut it off. I want to silence that part of my brain. It would bring me so much peace.

I’ve always set time-related goals for weight loss, and I’ve rarely if ever met them. Didn’t do it for birthdays, reunions, vacations – even my wedding. And I had an 18-month engagement. Ostensibly, I could have been at goal in that amount of time. But nope. As I write this, I think I’m about 345-ish. I say “ish” because I’ve been too scared to jump on the scale this week – never a good sign. And I’m not so sure I will (or want to) get on the scale tomorrow. I should face my fear. I would advise someone else to face their fear. But today, in this moment, I’m so not feeling it.

I want to be under 300 pounds this year. Even if it’s by 11:59pm on New Year’s Eve. I want some traction. That would mean losing approximately 45 (give or take) pounds in 4 months. Possible? Yes. Aggressive? Sure. Achievable? Only I can answer that…in about four months.

I have 14 months until Hawaii. In that amount of time, I want to reduce the pressure on my knee. One pound of body weight = 4 pounds of pressure on my knee. Losing that 45 would take off 180 pounds of pressure. That’ll help. I want to be a better swimmer. I want to haul my carcass around for more than an hour without having to take to the couch for a day. I want to learn to ride a bike. I want to be a better swimmer with more endurance. I would love to wear a bathing suit with a size that starts with a 1 vs. a 2. I think that’s possible.

I have to stop planning and thinking and considering and really just start doing. Sucking it up, expressing my feelings vs. stuffing them down, and be disciplined. I need to look for my rewards in the broader, bigger picture and not immediate gratification. I need to remember what it’s like to feel good and make the most of it.

I need to get it going. Now.

The Gym, The Duke Diet, and Tad Martin July 31, 2009

Following up from the gym. Workout with Trainer CZ (so nicknamed because she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones, my last one looked like Barbie) went okay. It wasn’t a workout as much as it was 30 minutes of kicking the tires to find out if my elbow is fully recovered from tendonitis. And…it’s not. I was in pain the day after. And my knee didn’t really love the bike for the first few minutes but after futzing with the stride and the speed and the resistance, I got it to be less painful. So I’ve got that going for me. Baby steps.

I’ve been on library kick and checked out The Duke Diet, born from the world-renowned Duke Weight Loss residential program (which costs several thousand dollars). And my first opinion of the book is that it’s a crock of shit. Okay, maybe that’s a bit harsh. It has valuable information in it so long as you’re someone who’s never been on a diet or ever tried to lose weight (which would probably mean you’re about 7 years old). If you have, it’s all rehash.

And you know, rehash is fine. Losing weight isn’t rocket science. It’s a formula of calories in, calories out. It’s moving more. I get it. For the hype around the Duke program, I was expecting revolutionary, I was expecting great behavioral insights, and it was the same old same old. Even the recipes were uninspiring (I kind of already knew how to make an open-face cheese sammich, thankyouverymuch). I realize the goal of the book is to be a diet book, and the information presented is simple and rational (and pretty much common sense). But on the whole it was disappointing.

And I’m not stupid enough to sit here and say that my dissatisfaction is entirely with the book. I *know* it’s more than swapping out egg-beaters for eggs, or cutting out booze. If that’s all there was to it, I’d have nipped this in the bud 20 years ago. What I want to get at – no, what I need to get at and don’t know how – is the *why* I eat and think like I do. And I know the answers won’t be in the book, but I was hoping maybe the process of getting to that would be. Ah well. Glad it came from the library.

(And OMG, All My Children just came on. I haven’t seen this in forever. When the hell did Tad Martin get old, gray and bloaty? And…the irony of me saying this isn’t lost on me. )

Know what sucks? July 29, 2009

When you have forgotten your lock combination because it’s been sooooooo long since you were at the gym. Doh! I eventually figured it out, but that was a very frustrating 45 minutes that I will never have back again.

Dumbass.

This Gaining Weight Crap? July 27, 2009

This gaining weight crap? Ends here. It ends today. It ends now.

Monday is my weekly weigh-in day (well, the official one – I’m on the scale every damn day). Today I came in at 345. This. will. not. do. I put on 11 pounds in 30 days and have essentially wasted three months of the year. Or rather, an entire year because I was this heavy this time last year.

Um, no.

I e-mailed my trainer today. I actually have a trainer. I haven’t worked with her since May because of my various and sundry ailments (or when my body went on strike as I’m calling it). My plan is to start slowly because I do not want to risk messing up my elbow again. I’ve asked her if we can get together 1x a week for upper body for the short-term and ramp back up.

For lower body, I’m going to try 1x week of stationary biking, and see how my knee responds to that, along with at 1-2x week of swimming. And then see how that goes. I hate that I’m dubious of my body’s ability to complete what seems like simple, normal tasks but I’ve learned that nothing is simple or normal with me these days.

So that’s my exercise plan.

My food plan is to have a freakin’ food plan and FOLLOW IT. I brought my lunch today for the first time in forever. Here’s the menu plan:

Breakfast:
Quaker high-fiber instant oatmeal

Lunch:
LaTortilla Factory high-fiber multigrain wrap spread with left over shawarma sauce (fat-free greek yogurt, garlic powder, a little tahini, olive oil and lemon), grilled shrimp and spinach

Dinner:
Portobello mushroom stroganoff on yolk-free noodles

Snacks:
½ ounce raw almonds
Fage fat-free greek yogurt
0.8 oz honey (yes, I measured)
about 5 dried apricots

I have to calculate the calories – I need to guesstimate the sauce, but it’s not *bad*.

Oh that’s another thing we will need to chat about at another time – “bad” foods.