No LAP Band, No Gastric Bypass…This is Why October 20, 2009

There is a girl I work with who is morbidly obese. She probably weighs what I do – or more – but she’s at least 4 inches shorter than me. Her weight is a significant contributing factor to hip pain and she will soon need hip replacement surgery.

She went through a lot of hoops and red tape to be qualified for lap band surgery and got it nearly a year ago. She made it a very public affair, everyone in the department knew what was up. I believe the thought was that shedding the weight would make it easier to receive and recover from the hip surgery. Lord knows that I will need to do the same when it comes time to go bionic on my knee.

What makes me sad is that she hasn’t lost any weight. At all. And no, I haven’t asked her and yes, I know that on very big girls it’s hard to tell when you drop 50 pounds, let alone 5. But I *know* she isn’t any smaller. And what’s worse, she hasn’t changed her eating habits in the slightest. All junk, all the time. It makes me wonder how she feels about that and why she is not using this “tool” (for lack of a better word).

I think most of all it makes me wonder about motivation and worthiness and all that stuff all over again. I heavily researched the lap band and entertained the notion for longer than I probably should have. My husband was against it – even the slightest risk of permanent damage was enough for him to worry for me. He cares about me more than I do most of the time. That and the no carbonated beverages thing…ever? OMG. :shudder:

Even though I was certainly “fat” enough at the time I looked into it, I didn’t have the co-morbidities that go along with getting insurance to sign off on weight loss surgery. My blood pressure is excellent. No diabetes. No evidence of heart disease. Cholesterol is normal. Nor did I have a supportive doctor to shepherd me through the process. At my most fragile, I went to him for help. And he prescribed me Metamucil. If there is a God/karma/whatever, may he die of constipation.

I digress…

I suppose the osteoarthritis diagnosis I now have might swing the insurance pendulum over to my side, but it’s not something I will ever pursue.

I figured that maybe I could just “pretend” that I had lap band surgery – or gastric bypass – and achieve a similar result. But you can’t really do that. I mean, I could eat 2oz of pureed whatever, sure, but I’m not going to be filled up like I would if my stomach was the size of a golf ball. Changing your behavior is a daunting undertaking. That’s what my coworker can’t seem to overcome. She’s not “working her program” as it were. That’s what worried me the most about going forward with a weight loss surgery. Can I get my mind to go along with what I’m doing to my body? And after going through all that you have to go through – and not be in sync like that – well I just can’t imagine that’s a good place to be.

I’m sad for her though. Wish this whole business of losing weight wasn’t so hard or emotionally draining.

Fat Girl at Rock Bottom August 30, 2009

Sigh.

So, I think I’ve reached it. My rock bottom. I feel like crap. I look like crap. I’m not happy. I keep finding or experiencing little things about my body that give me cause for concern. I’m under a heavy workload at the office that shows no signs of letting up (like, for example, I have to be at the office at 6am tomorrow to publish some mysterious corporate announcement – that’s not scary at all). I’m stressed and sad and mopey. Feh.

I have mentioned I have osteoarthritis in my knee. That is not so fun. What I may not have mentioned is that I have a valgus deformity in my leg. Basically that means I’m becoming knock-kneed and my leg is jutting out to the side. Kind of like this (I’m not at this extreme, but apparently heading down this path):

Click to View

Ugh. I’ve noticed that as I walk my foot seems to jut out more and more. I’ve been in physical therapy earlier in the year because my kneecap was – forgive me for this visual – pretty much sliding off. As a means of compensation, I started swimming – and developed tendonitis. (And related rant, to start swimming I traded in a $32 gym membership for an $82 one – and I’m still not going. Awesome). Because of the way I need to balance to take pressure off the knee, I developed Achilles tendonitis (which made it hard to do some of the physical therapy exercises for the kneecap) and now have a lovely heel spur at the back of foot. And this weekend I’ve discovered that this ankle seems – for lack of a better word – bonier than the other.

Could it have always been that way and I hadn’t noticed? Sure. And therein lies the rub. Because of my size, it’s crazy easy for me to miss things ON MY OWN BODY. That is just so WRONG.

I’m 40 years old.
I’ve been fat for like 36 of those years. Seriously, I have a picture of myself at 4 and I was a chub.
My body is falling apart on me. It’s had enough of my shit and is bailing.

I have had hundreds if not thousands of reasons and opportunities over the years to drop this weight. It would have made my younger years less traumatic. It may have opened up doors to me that I never even considered worthy of knocking on. I could have been a hot bride. I could be a fabulous 40 year old.

So now I’m here, seriously pondering what lies before me. If I could lose the weight, it would take major pressure off my knee. I could beg the ortho surgeon to give me a knee replacement and try to straighten out my leg (the less deformed = better success, the longer I wait = less successful), but the recovery would be nearly impossible given my obesity. I’d likely be medically required to lose weight beforehand.

I’m almost to the point where I’m considering gastric bypass as a means to get my leg fixed. How fucked up is that? And I know that, while statistically, I’m likely a great candidate for bypass, I know I’m not there emotionally. I mean, shit, if I can’t do it for myself now, I’ll just eat my bypass-shrunken stomach back up to full size.

I’ve never felt so defeated. Really. As much as I want and need to lose weight, feeling forced into it with this level of seriousness just makes me feel like I’m doomed to failure. Like I’m being punished. Like even now it’s still not within my control. It’s not my motivation driving me, it’s fear. And it’s the fear that makes me feel helpless.

Oh, and I saw Ruby in People Magazine. I’m thrilled for her success, but feel like complete and total ass that she’s passed me by.