“I’m not letting you stop…” August 30, 2010

You know, I’ve been doing this for a long time. We’re talking decades of weight loss attempts. Granted, I’ve not done it as well as I could have…as well as I *should* have. Some efforts were more successful than others, and at least I can say that…right now…I’m not as fat as I have been. So that’s a plus. Focus on the positive.

Throughout my attempts, there have been a LOT of people who tried to help me.

The elementary-school friend who wrote up my first ‘self improvement’ plan. And yes, I’m serious – ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

The best friend who bought a Bally’s membership with me – even though she really couldn’t afford it – so I’d have someone to go with.

The bawdy friend who’d go walking with me and come over to my apartment to do Richard Simmons videos with me (and cuss out Richard right beside me – God bless her).

Then there was the Weight Watchers era, and a slew of friends (both “live” and “virtual”) who tried to root me on. Who asked me about my weigh ins, cheered the weight losses, and consoled the slip-ups.

The career girl friend who actually offered up the help of her own trainer.

The therapist who truly wanted to help me figure out what my root issues are. Even her woeful replacement who dispatched me to a psychiatrist for a Wellbutrin prescription and tried to shove Medifast down my gullet. Sigh.

The trainers I hired on my own – Trainers Barbie and Catherine Zeta (as christened by moi because, of course, it wasn’t enough that they were fit but they had to be gorgeous too, right? double sigh).

While some of these folks are still in my life, they’re on the periphery – by and large they gave up on me for giving up on myself. Some I left behind because it was easier to avoid vs. own up.

Lately though I’ve been reminded that I’m not alone. That there are people who somehow manage to love me despite my neuroses, and who still want to hang in there despite my worst flaws and abandonment/hibernation tendencies.

Lunch with beloved sweet friends yesterday helped remind me. They find a way to cut right through to my heart and it warms me immeasurably.

An e-mail today from a nutritionist friend helped seal the deal. Here I have this amazing friend who wants to help me – for free – and I got so caught up in my own issues that I’d avoided reporting in. I felt guilty I was wasting this fantastic gift. i felt she didn’t deserve a “client” like me who wasn’t putting in her all. I tried to “give up” and give her an out. And damn if she refused to take it. She writes in part:

I’m not going anywhere and I’m not letting you *give* in – this is a long process because it’s more than just switching to brown rice ya know?

Let me re-iterate something to you: this will not be easy and you do not need to be perfect for this to work…there is success in every small thing we accomplish.

So, I’m not letting you stop –

I’m not letting me stop, either.

Turning the lights back on. August 29, 2010

Fall down seven times, stand up eight – isn’t that how the saying goes?

I’ve pretty much abandoned this space for the past two months because I didn’t feel like I had anything worthy or new to say. And in the time I’ve been gone not much has changed except for various fits and starts and stops. Story of my life.

I met friends for lunch today. Friends I do not see or talk to nearly enough. And as typically is the case in these outings, I feel like I have little to contribute to the conversation. I feel like nothing every really happens in my life. I am the Queen of Status Quo. And even when I’m not…even when I’ve embarked upon The Next! Great! Weight! Loss! Adventure! I feel my own eyes start to roll about it because…nothing ever happens with it.

One of these dear friends said to me, “I’m incredibly frustrated with you…but I get it.”

I’m incredibly frustrated with me, too, and I don’t get it. I could easily write out 100 reasons or motivations I have to change my life – in so many areas – but I came to admit today that, as miserable as they make me feel, they’re apparently not miserable enough reasons to spark permanent change. AND I DON’T KNOW WHY BECAUSE THEY ALL PRETTY MUCH SUCK MONKEY BALLS.

My other friend, the Logical One, can’t understand why I stop. That makes sense…it’s not logical, so I don’t expect her to get it. Why do I stop the one thing that works for me, the one thing that is helping to put me in a position to permanently strip those reasons from my list? I don’t know.

Am I afraid to fall off the wagon so I just purposely step off?
Do I truly not believe that I have these problems?
Do I honestly believe that if I just close my eyes, tap my toes, and utter some Harry Potter catchphrase that I’ll awaken to a whole new life?

It’s weird. I would tell you that I feel like my life is on autopilot, that I just go and do my thing without care or concern or thought. But that’s not true. Every day I make a million decisions that put me at odds with what I say are my goals, that I say are my truest and deepest wants. There’s nothing automatic about that, or wait, maybe there is. Maybe I’m so used to giving up that I don’t see them as choices.

I don’t know.

This is why I stopped writing here. Because a big bowlful of my head isn’t really helpful to anyone. And no one can help me help myself. I’ve tried. With friends. Loved ones. Employees. Programs. I’ve thrown thousands of dollars at this problem and I’m still wrestling with the same issues.

I guess if nothing else getting it out helps on some level.

This is a Freakin’ Weight Loss Blog June 21, 2010

I started this as a weight loss blog.
I want this to be a weight loss blog.

Both of the above statements would indicate that I should be blogging about losing weight, right?

Let’s cut to the chase: I need to be losing weight.

I read this today and it hit me square between the eyes:

All the Weigh Blog – Things I’ve Learned

I want to be able to write this kind of post in a year.
I want to feel the way she feels.
I want to experience the joy she expresses.
I want to know in my bones that I am on the right path and won’t go “back” to my “old ways.”

I want this to be a weight LOSS blog, not a whine-about-not-losing-weight blog.

Every day I need to be moving toward a goal of a healthier life. Of losing weight. Of being whole. Every day I need to ask myself what I want and what I’m willing to do to get it.

A while back a former trainer of mine met Jillian Michaels and had her autograph the Master Your Metabolism book for me. The inscription read “What is it you REALLY want? Love, Jillian xoxo”

I framed that page and put it on my nightstand so it’s the first thing I see when I wake up, and the last thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to bed.

What is it I REALLY want?

I want to be happy. And I KNOW that weight loss is not an elixir for happiness. But I do know that a lot of my unhappiness comes from dissatisfaction about my weight. It comes from the pain I experience everyday just hauling my carcass around. It comes from feeling so unbelievably *conspicuous* because of my size.

I want to live a long and healthy life with my beloved. I want to enjoy our life together in every way possible.

What I want is to have this be a successful weight loss blog. Not in terms of traffic, but in terms of content. I want this to be a blog about me successfully LOSING WEIGHT.

It Are Mai Birfday June 15, 2010

It is my birthday.
And, yes, I’ll stop the LOLcat speak.

Like every other birthday, I had grand plans and goals that by this day, I’d be X. I’d have done Y. And Z would be my next goal on the horizon. And yet here we are, and I’m not even past A. Sigh.

I did not go back to Weight Watches on June 5. Or on June 12. But I think that my butt will be in the seat on June 19. It was working for me until I stopped working it. And how and why I stopped working it befuddles me. I got into a car accident, and I didn’t blow it. And, yet, somehow, I just…stopped. Like a fire just goes out. Or, rather, my Inner Fat Girl throws herself on it and smothers it out. Bitch.

I’m tired of setting goals that are never achieved.
I’m tired of saying Now! Is! The! Time! only to mea culpa a day/week/month/year/decade later.
I’m tired of being fat and in pain, yet seemingly incapable of making the choices that could free me from that suffering.

This birthday has been eye-opening in a lot of ways. It occurs to me how much I’ve just given up. I didn’t make a big deal out of the day. I put absolutely no effort into planning or thinking or dreaming of how I might want to spend the one day out of the year that’s supposed to be all-about-me. Couldn’t even think about or suggest any wish-list items to my gift-challenged husband (bless his soul, I don’t give him much to go on and yet he tries). I completely abdicated this day like I’ve done my life.

I wanted to come here and trumpet that today is my birthday and I started! it! by! going! to! the! gym! Only to wake up at 4am this morning with the worst cramp in my hip (I can’t even explain what that means, just know that my hitch is not gettin’ along) and I could barely get out of bed, let alone go swimming or get on an elliptical. Which, to be honest, would not have been what I’d consider a fun thing to do on my birthday, but I wanted to be “that girl” – which, in this case, is the girl who goes to the gym on her birthday.

And therein is my problem, methinks. The “that girl” I want to be seems so freakin’ different from the me that I am, I don’t know how to reconcile the two. Do I *really* want to be “that girl?” Because, don’t you think if I *did*, “this girl” would try harder? Or do I really just want to be the “this girl” that I am, and just get permission (from God knows who) to just be that way?

Like, “that girl” really wants to get outside, and build raised garden beds and grow vegetables and enjoy the sunshine and outdoors. But “this girl” is paler than a vampire, can’t be on her knees, hates the heat, is not a fan of getting dirty, and is an all-you-can-eat buffet for skeeters. “This girl” hardly wants to go outside to get the mail half the time. See my dilemma? I don’t want to be “this girl.” I want to be “that girl.” But I wonder, if I ever got to be “that girl” – she would be me, and would I then want something different, too?

Getting too deep for 10:40 in the morning.

Last year, I did an every-day-in-May exercise challenge, and I was rocking it. I weighed about 15 pounds less (I’m guessing because – anyone? anyone? – yes, I’ve not been on a scale in a while).

Two years ago, my husband and I traipsed through Zion National Park. I weighed 345 pounds. t wasn’t a cake-walk, but I managed.

I go to Hawaii in just a few months. I am in serious danger of going there fatter than I was the last time. I’m not even confident I’ll be able to walk any length of time on a beach, on a trail, etc.

I’m 41 today. Why do I feel that the 4 should really be a 9?

I want a better life.
I want better health.
I deserve a better life.
I deserve better health.

I deserve to be a me that I can stand behind.

OMGOMGOMGOMG! April 18, 2010

Yes, I’m just *that* excited.

For the first time in a long time, I went back to the gym today. I earned my first Weight Watcher Activity Points!

I was really nervous going in because I knew I wanted to test my knee out on the elliptical and bike, and had no idea what I was in for. My first few moments on the elliptical were dicey – I was kind of afraid to push down on my leg to get it going, but once I did, I hit my groove. Very fluid motion, no real complaints from my knee. I was SO HAPPY. Like, crazy joy happy. Did 10 minutes to start.

The stationery bike, on the other hand, was not so happy-making. I could not find the sweet spot between leg extension and knee bend so it was a problematic experience. Only did 10 minutes on that. I will try again, maybe on a different machine. I’m not convinced it was the repetitive nature that caused me a problem, I think it was just positioning.

So what did I do? Went back to the elliptical. For another 10 minutes. So, 20 minutes total. Which for me, and my knee, is HUGE. My heart rate was in the zone the entire time (both times, actually) and I was all tomato-facey.

Then my husband helped me strength train for another half hour – getting me reacquainted with free weights again. We went through a few sets of shoulders, biceps, triceps, deltoids and bench press. I worked.

And it felt awesome. I can *do* this. There is hope after all.

YAY!

This is Me. April 11, 2010

Ugh. I can’t believe I’m putting this out to the Interwebs. Oy.

So, if you’ve been with me for a while, you may recall my “traumatized” post about being filmed at a presentation class. And then watching the DVD.

It’s taken me this long to go back to it. And I’m no less horrified. That said, I wanted to capture it and put it out there. It’s important to really understand the scope of this journey – I need to see “me” as others see me. And I figured that you might want to see the Fat Girl I’m trying to exorcise.

This is me…”before” (and yes, I swirlied my face for a bit of privacy)

I’m not naked but I feel like I am. It’s hard. Be kind.

But here is the weirdest part for me. I do not identify with these images. I know these are my pictures but they don’t feel like me. When I was working to capture the screen shot from the video, I became somewhat detached. I tried to catch “her” front view or “that girl’s” side view. Disconnected. I don’t know if that’s good or bad?

My Life in Boxes April 11, 2010

I spent a good part of yesterday “Spring cleaning” our master bedroom and study. I’d intended to do more but I got derailed by a lengthy visit down memory lane in the form of five (yes, five) boxes of “for when I’m skinny” clothes.

I figured it would be a quick eyeball of things and I’d be on my way but that was not the case. I opened each box and carefully inspected each item. There had to be close to 100 different items of clothing by the time I was done.

Some of them I’d worn in the past and I ache to wear again.
Some were keepsake items of my previous “before” weights.
Some didn’t fit even back in the day and had tags on them…still waiting to see the light of day.

I often say that I don’t think or care much about clothes. I say that because I find no joy in the shopping experience. My goal is pretty simple – find something that covers me (not “fits”) and in a style/color I don’t hate. But truth be told, I do care. Of course I care. I have pride and vanity and I want to look good. I desperately want to enjoy clothes and clothes shopping.

I want to look soft and pretty when I’m out on a date with my husband, and hot and sexy when we’re behind closed doors. I want to look crisp and professional when at work. I want to look all cute and jaunty when out with the girls. I want to throw open my closet doors and be overwhelmed with options, not relegated to Option 2 of 5. I know I care, I just have locked those feelings away in order to deal with my current situation.

And opening those boxes yesterday opened up those feelings. I was surprised to discover how much I *cared* about the clothes in the boxes.

There was the knit black dress, circa 1990. And it still looks great. And when I wore it I was around 200-210, and I thought I looked hot in it. No idea what size it is…because I suck and I cut all the sizes out of my clothes so no one else could see them. Sigh. It’s probably an XL, but clingy. I would wear this out to all the clubs along with a leather blazer. I smile more at the memories vs. the actual dress. And I sigh in regret, too. I was so close to goal back then. If only…

Also from that timeframe was the garnet skirt. Closest thing to a pencil skirt I’ve ever owned and I loved it then, and I loved it again yesterday. It’s probably a size 16. It looks so small.

There was the red sweater with black zipper, circa 2003. A friend who’d lost weight was cleaning out her closet and gifted me with this gem. It was a little snug into it but I was confident that I’d wear it soon. Still want to…still waiting.

Then came the Race Box. The Race Box is filled with t-shirts from various fitness events that I actually participated in. Had to be at least ten of them and the irony is that they’re all in pristine condition – because while I was “fit” enough to partake in the activity, I could not FIT into the commemorative shirt.

Then more recent history. There was the burgundy shirt I wore on my first-ever date with my now-husband. There’s the baby blue and white shirt I wore to a birthday brunch with my girlfriends – incidentaly, one of the best pictures ever taken of all of us. There’s the paint-stained t-shirt I wore when decorating my first-ever home. There were a TON of sleeveless shirts I wore throughout one of the best summers of my life. A silk robe I wished closed a bit tighter. Looking at them all, it’s hard to believe they ever covered my body – they look like they shrunk in the wash, but I know they haven’t.

There were four pairs of jeans. I have never really worn jeans because my shape makes it hard to find good-fitting jeans.

There was a pair of size 22 jeans, another weight-loss friend’s castoff, that I tried for the LONGEST time to get into, and the angels SANG when I finally did. Me! In Jeans! I finally felt normal. No more. There was a pair of size 20 black jeans that *were* to be my next goal. I’m not sure if they’ve ever been unfolded. There are two more recent pairs of jeans, size unknown (yep, tag cut off) that I know I wore the year of my wedding. Don’t fit.

Last, but not least, I found The Magic Dress. The Magic Dress is a size 18/20 black polyester shirtdress with a johnny collar and front zipper. It hits at the knee, is flared, and damn cute. It got the “magic” designation because nearly ANYBODY with ANY BODY TYPE could wear this dress. My girlfriends are all built differently, but it didn’t matter which one of us put the dress on, it worked. It camouflaged flabby tummies and ample hips. It’s been worn to death and still looks Day One fresh. I didn’t have the heart to even try on The Magic Dress yesterday, for fear of tarnishing its reputation. It’s back in the box.

They’re all packed back in their boxes, along with those memories and feelings. Just waiting for me.

I’ll be there soon.

Weigh-In Day…and a word to my supporters :) April 3, 2010

Literally and figuratively.

Weighing in on this past week:
It was a rough road, I’m not going to lie. My previous post says it all – not going to relive it except to say that, yes, it was a wake-up call. Having that kind of experience during a PMS week? Well that was just cruel – thanks for nothing, Universe. The upheaval in my regular routine plus the drama and – a bit of a fade in my recent WW enthusiasm (has the honeymoon already ended?) led me to snarf a bit more than past couple of weeks. What’s good about all of this is that it wasn’t a mindless binge – I was aware of what was going on. Not that I did much to curtail it (although I did do some), but I think that knowing the “why’s” of my actions will serve me well.

Weighing in on the scale:
Dun-dun-dun…

I lost another two pounds. Yay! That brings me to 352.4, or down 10.6 pounds in three weeks. I’m more than half-way to my first 5% goal. I hope that I can keep close to this weekly average of 2lbs a week for the next couple of weeks. That would get me to where I was at the same point last year. That would be nice. Now it’s up to me to make that happen.

Weighing in on this blog and those who read it:
Thank you for being here. Thank you for taking the time to read what I write and leave me notes. Thank you for rooting me on. I have tried and failed so many times – consistency has been my nemesis. You help keep me moving forward, and I appreciate it so very much. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

So Back to this Happiness Project Thingie… March 29, 2010

With all that’s gone down over here in the last few weeks and months I feel like I’ve sort of lost focus on the whole thing. But then, I was looking at my “commandments” this weekend (framed, on the nightstand) it occurred to me that in, in some ways, I’ve been working them even if it’s not immediately apparent.

Be Imperfect – check! I’ve been much better at “it’ll have to do” lately than ever before.

Love Yourself – check! Getting back to Weight Watchers, despite my reservations, is probably one of the most self-loving things I’ve done in a long time. And this time it just feels right.

Own Your Crazy – working on it. There’s a lot of crazy to parse through. I’m trying to separate those thoughts into different, more manageable buckets. More on that later.

Notice Things – working on it. I really am one of the most oblivious creatures on the planet.

Be Courageous – check! An example…tomorrow and Wednesday I’m in a 2-day presentation skills class. I have to get up in front of my peers (and strangers) and give 4 presentations over two days. And I’ll be v.i.d.e.o.t.a.p.e.d while I do it (sweet Jesus) and I’ll have to *watch* the tapes and critique myself. I’m trying not to throw up in my mouth at the thought of it. But then I look at it this way – I will have video evidence of my “before” right?

Give Thanks Often – getting there! I have really tried to step up and say thank you, and stay in better communication, and even compliment random strangers. It feels so good to bring a smile to someone’s face (note to self: this goes along with notice things) and to be in regular contact with those I love.

Live – Don’t Exist – working on it. I still have this tendency to put off my life until a future point in time.

Let Go – getting there! Slowly but surely I’m shedding people and things that bring me down. More on that later, too.

Seek What Thrills You – working on it. As I’ve been focusing on other areas I get these snippets of thoughts or “whispers” as I like to call it about things that would be fun to do or experience. I need to do a better job of channeling those thoughts into actions – or at the very least put them down on paper or in the blog to capture them before they flit right back out of my head.

Find the Prize – check! The original intent of this commandment was to try and find the meaning in all things that I do, even if it seems mundane or worthless or stupid (waves at employer). And I am doing that, but in really taking a different look I am finding that I AM THE PRIZE. Me. I’m the prize. That’s hard to say because it sounds soooo boastful, but hell, why am I working on all these things if not to realize that I’m trying to find the best me? To make myself strong and happy and vibrant. That’s the person I most want to share with others.

Adorn Yourself – getting there! What’s good is that I finally found a haircolor/haircut I love – that I can do quickly to get out of the house or make “nicer” when I need to. I’ve also declared April as 30-Days-To-Prettier month. Putting more care and attention into a beauty regimen so that come May I will have banished winter flakiness in favor of dewy fresh skin, pretty fingers and toes, and…potentially…a livable makeup routine.

So, really, not too shabby. There’s some successes and opportunities here to build on and that makes me…wait for it…happy. Go figure.

Weight Watchers Day #14 – Can I Get a Woot?! March 27, 2010

WOOT!

Despite a week filled with sniffles and snot (thank you Spring cold), I lost another 2.6 pounds at today’s weigh-in, giving me -8.6 in my first two weeks on the program. Not too shabby, eh?

It’s been an interesting two weeks. I can’t say that I’ve felt deprived, save one momentary craving for a chocolate malt (with whipped cream and cherry, natch) when I had a sore throat, and a few salivating moments when the delicious aroma of a coworker’s burger and fries wafted my way (although, it was the work cafeteria and their specialty is more smell than actual taste, so I got the good end of the deal here).

Today is a “date night” and I’ve already calculated what I’m going to have. Is it what I most want? No. But what I selected will still be delicious and points friendly (that’s subjective – it’s high, but not nearly the damage I *could* do). I will be in my points for the day. I’m still nervous about “splurges” and special occasions – I know that allowing myself to indulge fully is a slippery slope and I want to keep the wheels on the rail a bit longer. I know those special days and splurges will come soon enough but right now I’m trying to stick to the letter of the law.