Happiness Project Commandment: Give Thanks Often April 7, 2010

I think from time to time we all say things – either out loud or to ourselves – about how miserable we are, how much we hate our lives, etc. I know I’ve done all that on occasion (um, okay, yesterday, thanks to the second round of ebola-like cold virus in a month).

But this isn’t what we (ok, *I*) should be sending out to the Universe, because that just invites trouble. We should find a way to give thanks more often for the blessings and good things we do have.

Today, I give thanks…

for the roof over my head
and the green grass, and budding trees, and blooming tulips that are just outside my window
and that the dumbass woodpecker who flew into said window and knocked himself out actually recovered and flew away (even if he made me fret for a half-hour watching him to see if he was alive/hurt/fly-worthy)
that I can *usually* breathe through my nose (just not this week, apparently)
that I can stand and walk under my own power
that I can see, smell, taste, hear, and touch things
that I have love in my life
and friends
and furbabies
and a j-o-b (which, by the way, gave me a surprise, didn’t-at-all-see-that-coming raise on Monday)
and that my batshit director has been mellow-ish lately
that I can pay my bills (even if I bitch about them)
that I am free to think and say anything I want, even if it’s stupid or self-centered or offensive
that I was open to trying Weight Watchers again
and that it’s working (because I’m working it)
and that I’m *finally* using it as a crutch to get me *through* rocky times vs. abandoning it
that Melissa got her conniving ass kicked off Biggest Loser 9 for good – GOD I HATE her!
that Hulu lets me catch up on Lost
that Glee is finally coming back (how stupid was that hiatus, anyway?)
that I have a girlie lunch date next week
that I’m going to Hawaii in 27 weeks. gulp.

Lots to be thankful for.

So Back to this Happiness Project Thingie… March 29, 2010

With all that’s gone down over here in the last few weeks and months I feel like I’ve sort of lost focus on the whole thing. But then, I was looking at my “commandments” this weekend (framed, on the nightstand) it occurred to me that in, in some ways, I’ve been working them even if it’s not immediately apparent.

Be Imperfect – check! I’ve been much better at “it’ll have to do” lately than ever before.

Love Yourself – check! Getting back to Weight Watchers, despite my reservations, is probably one of the most self-loving things I’ve done in a long time. And this time it just feels right.

Own Your Crazy – working on it. There’s a lot of crazy to parse through. I’m trying to separate those thoughts into different, more manageable buckets. More on that later.

Notice Things – working on it. I really am one of the most oblivious creatures on the planet.

Be Courageous – check! An example…tomorrow and Wednesday I’m in a 2-day presentation skills class. I have to get up in front of my peers (and strangers) and give 4 presentations over two days. And I’ll be v.i.d.e.o.t.a.p.e.d while I do it (sweet Jesus) and I’ll have to *watch* the tapes and critique myself. I’m trying not to throw up in my mouth at the thought of it. But then I look at it this way – I will have video evidence of my “before” right?

Give Thanks Often – getting there! I have really tried to step up and say thank you, and stay in better communication, and even compliment random strangers. It feels so good to bring a smile to someone’s face (note to self: this goes along with notice things) and to be in regular contact with those I love.

Live – Don’t Exist – working on it. I still have this tendency to put off my life until a future point in time.

Let Go – getting there! Slowly but surely I’m shedding people and things that bring me down. More on that later, too.

Seek What Thrills You – working on it. As I’ve been focusing on other areas I get these snippets of thoughts or “whispers” as I like to call it about things that would be fun to do or experience. I need to do a better job of channeling those thoughts into actions – or at the very least put them down on paper or in the blog to capture them before they flit right back out of my head.

Find the Prize – check! The original intent of this commandment was to try and find the meaning in all things that I do, even if it seems mundane or worthless or stupid (waves at employer). And I am doing that, but in really taking a different look I am finding that I AM THE PRIZE. Me. I’m the prize. That’s hard to say because it sounds soooo boastful, but hell, why am I working on all these things if not to realize that I’m trying to find the best me? To make myself strong and happy and vibrant. That’s the person I most want to share with others.

Adorn Yourself – getting there! What’s good is that I finally found a haircolor/haircut I love – that I can do quickly to get out of the house or make “nicer” when I need to. I’ve also declared April as 30-Days-To-Prettier month. Putting more care and attention into a beauty regimen so that come May I will have banished winter flakiness in favor of dewy fresh skin, pretty fingers and toes, and…potentially…a livable makeup routine.

So, really, not too shabby. There’s some successes and opportunities here to build on and that makes me…wait for it…happy. Go figure.

Bitchy McBitcherson with a Sprinkle of Sunshine March 19, 2010

The Good:
I’m having some rather impressive poops. Yay fiber.
I’m on Day 6 and haven’t touched my flex points yet.
I feel slightly more energetic.
My knee and ankle have been feeling a titch better lately.

The Bad:
I am missing my scale. I hate being in the dark like this.
My happiness project has totally tanked – haven’t even given it a moment’s thought lately.

The Ugly:
It’s not been a good couple of days for the ole self esteem. The Fat Girl in my head is just on a rant and it’s hard to get a word in edgewise.

I loathe her.

Being Mindful and Proud of Your Decisions February 8, 2010

I like to think of myself as a smart girl. For the most part, I use my brain. But nearly every single day I make dumbass decisions that keep me from moving forward and accomplishing my goals. And the days that I don’t make a bad decision (or haven’t yet up until that point in a day) come as a complete surprise for me – like when I try to justify a particularly indulgent “treat” because I’ve already messed up the day and I realize that, no, I haven’t yet. Which always shocks me, but then because I just want the damn treat anyway I’ll use it as a “reward” for not have messed up the day. That’s just sick, isn’t it?

A lot of the time I don’t even recognize the decisions I make as actual *decisions.* They’re more like involuntary impulses – like saying “no” when my husband asks if I want to accompany him to the gym. Or mindlessly popping something in my mouth because it’s just there, and not because I’m hungry. Or instinctively digging through my purse looking for change for the vending machine after a particularly stressful meeting at work. All of these aren’t just reactions – they’re choices – and I’m making the wrong ones.

My body is telling in me in all kinds of little ways that I’m skating on the razor’s edge of some serious issues and if I don’t get my shit together, I’m in for even more significant challenges than I face today.

I’m trying to be more mindful of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

Today I’m asking myself “later today, when I look back at this decision, will I be proud?” before I make the decision/choice or take that action and really listen to the answer I give. Is it a straight yes/no? Is my Inner Fat Girl trying to persuade me with justifications? What need am I trying to meet, or what hurt am I trying to soothe? So far it’s been beneficial – there is a comfort in having an internal barometer to use as a tool to chart a more healthful course.

Today will be a good day.

Random February 4, 2010

Filing this in the shit-that-only-matters-to-me-and-I-just-need-to-dump-it-all-out department:

Work:

I won an award (as part of a team) today. Me and my sassy new haircut got to accept a shiny plaque in front of my 200-person department. Yay me. Later that afternoon I found out that I’m no longer going to be meeting with my Batshit Director any more. Nor will any of my colleagues. Why, you ask? Did she get canned? Sadly, no. But she has decided, and subsequently announced, that someone at my level does not meet with staff. Apparently “staff” is equivalent to, you know, vermin. Yay me?

Good enough to be an award-winner yet still just dirt on her shoe. Fantastic.

“Letting Go”:

#1 – So, this is one of my Happiness Project commandments and, I’ll tell you, it’s an interesting process. For someone actively working on happiness, some of these things just don’t make me happy. Some things are far easier to let go of than others. I’ve discovered that I’m not well-equipped to let go. I’m a grudge-holder and try as I might, I do. not. forget. anything. It’s annoying.

My husband did something crazy stupid a few months ago and it still festers within me. He has no clue of course because I smile on the outside and stuff down the “Gah!” with strawberry-flavored Twizzlers. It’s a chewy, tasty rage. Clearly more work needs to be done here.

#2 – I’d been going back-and-forth about letting go of a friendship, even though it’s been a few years since that relationship really had significant meaning. And I think the reason I held on for so long is because *I* kind of suck at keeping in touch. While this friend and I have some things in common, our lives are so dramatically different it’s laughable. I’m not in her league and we both know it. But since I’d felt guilt at how the friendship fell apart, I’ve sort of kept it “alive” if only in my head, thinking that one day I’d reach out and we’d reconnect.

It finally clicked for me that what I wanted most wasn’t the friendship – it was absolution. I can’t honestly picture being in each other’s lives the way it was, or in a way that would be meaningful. So, with some sadness, I am bidding that friend adieu. Goodbye, friend.

#3 – This last one is a “letting go” work in process. Several years ago I planned a wedding and stumbled onto a community of people who were doing the same. A semi-private offshoot of that community became a wonderful online home for me. Very cozy. Good people. Crazy people. People I’d grown to care a lot about (too much?). It’s been a good outlet for me in a lot of ways, but in others, it’s helped me put up walls and silo myself. For a long time it filled a need I had to be social without, um, really socializing. And, for me, it’s too easy to hibernate and hide.

There have been a few occasions that called me to question this “relationship” and I came this/close to leaving it once, only to get sucked back in (addicted much?). For as much good that has come out of it, I’ve discovered that lately it’s more of the “bad” that sticks with me. An incident two weeks ago was kind of the last straw for me. In terms of scope, it wasn’t monumental, but it stopped me from contributing. It’s been almost two weeks now. I miss it a bit, but it does get easier every day. It’s a good lesson about baby steps and discipline. As long as you keep moving forward, you’ll eventually get to where you’re going.

Weight Loss:

Yeah…um…notsomuch. I’m headed to Hawaii in 6 months and I’m going as my own beach ball. Sigh. That whole “moving forward” thing would be awesome if I’d just get out of my own way.

Happiness Project Update February 1, 2010

To be honest, I’m having some challenges gaining traction on this. “Life” keeps getting in my way. Go figure, right? Seems to be my pattern. But I have made some positive strides, and that’s worthy of celebration. So…yay strides!

Be Imperfect:
So…I’ve been thrown into a sink-or-swim project at work. For the most part I’m swimming, but it’s not with a high degree of personal confidence. See, decades of fat girl thinking has twisted my brain into believing that I need to work harder and smarter than my colleagues – because being fat is a flaw, dontchaknow. I’ve turned being fat into a personal indictment that I must overcome in every new situation. That said, I’ve never worked on this type of project, have no formal training, and no road map. We’re winging it. To say this has been unsettling is an understatement. Typically I would try to overcompensate for my insecurity by doing more than needed, not setting boundaries, working well into the night, etc. But my reaction to this situation post-Happiness Project has been different. My need-to-be-a-rock-star-self has had to put my ego on a shelf and accept that I’m *not* going to hit a home-run every time and that’s okay. “Being imperfect” has helped me begin to realize that work doesn’t define me, or perhaps most importantly, it doesn’t redeem or condemn me.

Love Myself
This is my theme for this month. Every day I am going to try to do (at least) one thing that is self-nurturing. Today, I planned and took a delicious and healthy lunch. Tomorrow, I’m getting a much-needed haircut, color, and eyebrow shaping.

Own My Crazy
Shortly after getting engaged, I warned my darling husband-to-be that I was, in fact, crazy. I told him that I have fears and anxieties that I couldn’t even describe. I eventually lost count of how many times over the months and years to follow that I tried to give him an “out” to save himself from my crazy. It’s only been recently that I’ve felt comfortable sharing some of those things – how and why I can immediately go to a dark place about the same kind of thing that someone else wouldn’t think twice about. And as scary as the dark place can be, I was even more fearful of revealing my “true self.” And now having done some it I can say that it *is* scary but it’s also quite the relief that what I see as “crazy” he sees as “quirky.”

More on the other commandents tomorrow…

Being My Own Valentine + Lent Challenge January 24, 2010

I’ve been struggling a bit on my Happiness Project. I make it too easy to make excuses based on what’s going on at work or at home or my overall mood. I find it easy to distract myself or get caught up in a melancholy state of mind.

For the next month I’m going to make a conscious effort to focus on two of my personal commandments: Let it Go and Love Yourself. I am finding myself dwelling on past hurts and disappointments a bit too much lately, and I wind up bringing them into my present. I can’t change the past, and I can’t change the decisions that I and others have made. So I need allow myself permission to forgive and move on.

For February, I’m going to be my own valentine and give myself the gift of the love and respect I deserve. Each day I will celebrate myself – my accomplishments, my good qualities, my favorite features. I will remind myself daily that I am worthy of good things, and worthy of the time and attention I routinely give to others instead of myself. It sounds so vain to say such things about myself but trust me when I say that I’m my own worst critic and coming up with these celebrations – and more importantly believing them – will be quite the challenge. I will post those celebrations here.

Speaking of challenges, I read about a Lent Challenge on Fat Bridesmaid’s blog and it got me thinking about a challenge I could do. Something that will teach me discipline and work to benefit my waistline (after all, this is a fat girl weight loss blog, right?) So, from February 17 through April 3 (46 days!), I will give up alcohol. It’s empty calories. It’s not conducive to weight loss. I’m indulging too much. It’s time.

More to come…

Destination: Paradise Falls (SQUIRREL!) January 10, 2010

We finally saw “Up” last night and I’m having a hard time shaking it. Interesting how some movies make people feel so good and can make other people feel so sad.

It’s a delightfully cute movie in a lot of ways (SQUIRREL!) but, in pure Disney fashion, it really rips your heart right out of your body. I watched it with my usually stoic husband and he had as hard a time as I did, maybe even more so. We both sobbed in parts – it was so hard on me to see how deeply the movie affected him. I could not hold him long enough or tight enough to suit me.

My husband and I share a lot of dreams, and just like the movie, it seems like “life” always gets in the way. In our case “life” also means my infirmities. I feel like my weight and knee and tendon issues really hold us back from living a more adventurous life, or even a more “us” life. It crushed us both to watch Mr. Fredrickson lose his beloved Ellie. And I wondered if part of the reason my husband was so sad was the very real possibility that, due to my morbid obesity, I will pass on before he does, leaving him alone in a house that was built for both our dreams. It guts me to think that way.

I haven’t talked about weight loss much recently because I’ve really come to understand and believe that excess weight is a symptom of unhappiness rather than the other way around. Maybe it’s a chicken-and-egg thing where one would seem to naturally beget the other. If I were happier, I would be healthier. But if I were healthier, wouldn’t I also be happier? They must go hand-in-hand, right? Does one come before the other?

There are short-term dreams and ideals that I obviously want to lose weight and be healthier for – Hawaii, of course, is what first comes to mind. Not going through another “fat” summer, being more energetic in winter, etc. Feeling pretty and sexy and “normal.”

But, really, at the end of the day, it’s the long-term benefit I should really be focused on. To live as long and healthy and active life as I can with my beloved. To fulfill those pie-in-the-sky dreams we share. To float away in our house to Paradise Falls. TOGETHER. This is what I want. This is what I need. This is what I must do.

Week From Hell January 10, 2010

A week into my Happiness Project and…

I’m not all that happy at the moment.

It has occurred to me on more than one occasion this week that I’m following a premise created by a person who is a self-employed, stay-at-home writer. Someone who, unlike myself, does not have to contend with snowy, slippery and sloppy commutes, department directors who are batshit insane, and exhaustive projects that make little to no sense, and can be thrown 180 degrees into the opposite direction – at the very last minute, mind you – by said batshit director. By comparison, no wonder the author’s happy. Even my husband told me last night, “This week hasn’t been very conducive to your happiness project.” No shit, Sherlock.

Whew. This last week has been one of the roughest in recent memory. I was in bed Thursday and Friday by 9pm, just completely mentally and physically exhausted. I even managed to fall twice on Friday for an added dose of excitement and humility – funny how a group of people saw me slip as I stepped off the train but only one person came over to help me. Oh well.

Putting a positive spin on it all…this week from hell makes me better appreciate the fact that most of my time and work experiences are, by comparison, really good. This week gave me several opportunities to assess what’s going on around me and think about how to apply my commandments/themes to deal with them more effectively (“find the prize”). By being really present with how stressed and anxious I was feeling (“notice things”), I was able to think about how to make myself feel better (“love myself”) – such as get more rest. That presence of mind also enabled me to have a refreshingly blunt conversation with my immediate manager about all of the dysfunction swirling around (“be courageous”). As a result, she was equally free to vent and I feel like that benefited our relationship. We’ll see.

Now I just need to focus more on the “Let it Go” part of all of this.

Happiness, Obscene Fish Tacos, and Biggest Loser 9 January 4, 2010

Well, today was an interesting first day practicing “happiness.”

The good…

I was *finally* able to recite my 11 commandments by heart for the first time. The “give thanks” and the “live, don’t exist” kept escaping me. I’m guessing I need to work on those first!

I got enough sleep, joined my husband for breakfast (normally he eats and I sleep), and started my day on a positive note – even though I was coming back to work after 11 straight days off. Way harsh.

Two colleagues and I were treated to lunch in celebration of our supreme awesomeness, and with no prior knowledge of the restaurant, I made some really good choices.

If I may digress slightly…I chose chicken tortilla soup and one chicken enchilada. It was a toss up between those and the grilled mahi mahi tacos. Can I just tell you that I found out later that the tacos were 3x the calories and 70+ grams of fat. FOR FUCKING GRILLED FISH TACOS (On the Border have you lost your damn mind?).

I opened up a bit to a friend and, in turn, she opened up to me. Both feelings were awesome.

The not-so-good (or, rather, the *future opportunities*):

First night home and I caved on my “no checking work email.” I did contemplate the decision for a while but I figured a quick check to satisfy my curiosity was much better than obsessing over the entire evening. All things considered, I made the right choice tonight but…yeah.

—

Tomorrow will be fun. A friend and I are doing our own Biggest Loser thing. The theme of Season 9 is Couples and we’re Team Plaid. We will have an official weigh in tomorrow, trade updates with food journals, and “compete” against a chosen contestant (our goal will be to lose 10% of what they do – as noble as our intentions are, I’m just not seeing -22 pound weekly weight losses).

My goal for the Season 9 finale will be 10% of whatever I weigh tomorrow.