Non-Scale Victories #1 October 28, 2009

Non-Scale Victories (or NSVs) are the little things in life – aside from what shows up on teh scale – that prove you’re making progress. Changes in behavior, smaller measurements, doing things you didn’t think you do, etc.

Hopefully this post will be one of a series of NSV celebrations!

So this is Day 10 of healthy eating and I have to say that I am pretty stoked at some of the little things I’ve noticed and what I’m catching myself doing…

1. – I’ve drastically reduced my diet soda and alcohol consumption and have increased my daily water intake.

2. – I’ve noticed significantly less pain in my knee and my heel. Like, seriously. I’m so excited about this – it gives me hope.

3. – I am trying new things.

4. – I am being more mindful of what I eat, when and why I’m eating it, and how it makes me feel after.

5. – I am consciously seeking out additional fruits and veggies.

6. – I feel like I’m ready to try the pool again and I’m actually looking forward to seeing how that goes.

7. – I’ve been more consistent in my blogging/journaling/processing my feelings about being fat and changing my life.

No LAP Band, No Gastric Bypass…This is Why October 20, 2009

There is a girl I work with who is morbidly obese. She probably weighs what I do – or more – but she’s at least 4 inches shorter than me. Her weight is a significant contributing factor to hip pain and she will soon need hip replacement surgery.

She went through a lot of hoops and red tape to be qualified for lap band surgery and got it nearly a year ago. She made it a very public affair, everyone in the department knew what was up. I believe the thought was that shedding the weight would make it easier to receive and recover from the hip surgery. Lord knows that I will need to do the same when it comes time to go bionic on my knee.

What makes me sad is that she hasn’t lost any weight. At all. And no, I haven’t asked her and yes, I know that on very big girls it’s hard to tell when you drop 50 pounds, let alone 5. But I *know* she isn’t any smaller. And what’s worse, she hasn’t changed her eating habits in the slightest. All junk, all the time. It makes me wonder how she feels about that and why she is not using this “tool” (for lack of a better word).

I think most of all it makes me wonder about motivation and worthiness and all that stuff all over again. I heavily researched the lap band and entertained the notion for longer than I probably should have. My husband was against it – even the slightest risk of permanent damage was enough for him to worry for me. He cares about me more than I do most of the time. That and the no carbonated beverages thing…ever? OMG. :shudder:

Even though I was certainly “fat” enough at the time I looked into it, I didn’t have the co-morbidities that go along with getting insurance to sign off on weight loss surgery. My blood pressure is excellent. No diabetes. No evidence of heart disease. Cholesterol is normal. Nor did I have a supportive doctor to shepherd me through the process. At my most fragile, I went to him for help. And he prescribed me Metamucil. If there is a God/karma/whatever, may he die of constipation.

I digress…

I suppose the osteoarthritis diagnosis I now have might swing the insurance pendulum over to my side, but it’s not something I will ever pursue.

I figured that maybe I could just “pretend” that I had lap band surgery – or gastric bypass – and achieve a similar result. But you can’t really do that. I mean, I could eat 2oz of pureed whatever, sure, but I’m not going to be filled up like I would if my stomach was the size of a golf ball. Changing your behavior is a daunting undertaking. That’s what my coworker can’t seem to overcome. She’s not “working her program” as it were. That’s what worried me the most about going forward with a weight loss surgery. Can I get my mind to go along with what I’m doing to my body? And after going through all that you have to go through – and not be in sync like that – well I just can’t imagine that’s a good place to be.

I’m sad for her though. Wish this whole business of losing weight wasn’t so hard or emotionally draining.

Being Fat is The Suck September 2, 2009

more specifically…

knee pain? the suck.
pulling your shirt down over your ass all.day.long? the suck.
elastic-waist pants? the suck.
double chins and pudgy cheeks? the suck.
having no energy? the suck.
being limited to where you shop? sucktacular.
catalog mail order? the suck.
people you pass NEVER looking you in the eye? the suck.
people laughing at you as they pass? sucktastic.
scouting for chairs without arms? the suck.
changing in a locker room? the suck.
feeling like an outcast? the suck, suck, suck.
the scale? hell-to-the-suck.
fretting about airplane travel? the suck.
granny panties? sucktabulous.
being extra at-risk for diabetes? the suck.
heart disease? the suck.
cancer? the grand suckay.
knee-high boots that don’t fit? the suck.
most anything that doesn’t fit? the suck.
batwings? the suck.
feeling hopeless? supreme suckage.

Fat Girl at Rock Bottom August 30, 2009

Sigh.

So, I think I’ve reached it. My rock bottom. I feel like crap. I look like crap. I’m not happy. I keep finding or experiencing little things about my body that give me cause for concern. I’m under a heavy workload at the office that shows no signs of letting up (like, for example, I have to be at the office at 6am tomorrow to publish some mysterious corporate announcement – that’s not scary at all). I’m stressed and sad and mopey. Feh.

I have mentioned I have osteoarthritis in my knee. That is not so fun. What I may not have mentioned is that I have a valgus deformity in my leg. Basically that means I’m becoming knock-kneed and my leg is jutting out to the side. Kind of like this (I’m not at this extreme, but apparently heading down this path):

Click to View

Ugh. I’ve noticed that as I walk my foot seems to jut out more and more. I’ve been in physical therapy earlier in the year because my kneecap was – forgive me for this visual – pretty much sliding off. As a means of compensation, I started swimming – and developed tendonitis. (And related rant, to start swimming I traded in a $32 gym membership for an $82 one – and I’m still not going. Awesome). Because of the way I need to balance to take pressure off the knee, I developed Achilles tendonitis (which made it hard to do some of the physical therapy exercises for the kneecap) and now have a lovely heel spur at the back of foot. And this weekend I’ve discovered that this ankle seems – for lack of a better word – bonier than the other.

Could it have always been that way and I hadn’t noticed? Sure. And therein lies the rub. Because of my size, it’s crazy easy for me to miss things ON MY OWN BODY. That is just so WRONG.

I’m 40 years old.
I’ve been fat for like 36 of those years. Seriously, I have a picture of myself at 4 and I was a chub.
My body is falling apart on me. It’s had enough of my shit and is bailing.

I have had hundreds if not thousands of reasons and opportunities over the years to drop this weight. It would have made my younger years less traumatic. It may have opened up doors to me that I never even considered worthy of knocking on. I could have been a hot bride. I could be a fabulous 40 year old.

So now I’m here, seriously pondering what lies before me. If I could lose the weight, it would take major pressure off my knee. I could beg the ortho surgeon to give me a knee replacement and try to straighten out my leg (the less deformed = better success, the longer I wait = less successful), but the recovery would be nearly impossible given my obesity. I’d likely be medically required to lose weight beforehand.

I’m almost to the point where I’m considering gastric bypass as a means to get my leg fixed. How fucked up is that? And I know that, while statistically, I’m likely a great candidate for bypass, I know I’m not there emotionally. I mean, shit, if I can’t do it for myself now, I’ll just eat my bypass-shrunken stomach back up to full size.

I’ve never felt so defeated. Really. As much as I want and need to lose weight, feeling forced into it with this level of seriousness just makes me feel like I’m doomed to failure. Like I’m being punished. Like even now it’s still not within my control. It’s not my motivation driving me, it’s fear. And it’s the fear that makes me feel helpless.

Oh, and I saw Ruby in People Magazine. I’m thrilled for her success, but feel like complete and total ass that she’s passed me by.

Pain is Defining Me August 2, 2009

It’s remarkable how much my knee pain affects my mood. Yesterday was awful – lots of pain. And all I really did was go to two different stores. An hour and a half trip, tops. And I felt like I could barely walk. So defeating.

Today, for whatever reason, it was better today. And *I* was better. I laughed, I was more active. I felt more like me – whoever that is.

Pain is defining me.

When I feel better, I have better daydreams about my Hawaiian vacation next year. When I’m in pain, I don’t think about Hawaii. Nor do I have much positivity about the future. Because I don’t want to think about not being able to walk on a beach or explore. When I’m not in pain, I research kayaking of all things. Fat Girl in a kayak is the epitome of optimism about the future. I’ve seen fatter (or maybe equally-as-fat) people in kayaks. It’s possible, right?

I know the best thing I can do for my knee is lose weight, even if activity isn’t my best friend at the moment. But each time I try to manage my food, I end up losing control and vowing to do better the next day. It’s ridiculous how much this cycle repeats. It’s compulsive. The minute I get a thought in my head about food, it consumes me. The vending machine here, a glass of wine there, a full out binge in the evening. I don’t know how to shut it off. I want to silence that part of my brain. It would bring me so much peace.

I’ve always set time-related goals for weight loss, and I’ve rarely if ever met them. Didn’t do it for birthdays, reunions, vacations – even my wedding. And I had an 18-month engagement. Ostensibly, I could have been at goal in that amount of time. But nope. As I write this, I think I’m about 345-ish. I say “ish” because I’ve been too scared to jump on the scale this week – never a good sign. And I’m not so sure I will (or want to) get on the scale tomorrow. I should face my fear. I would advise someone else to face their fear. But today, in this moment, I’m so not feeling it.

I want to be under 300 pounds this year. Even if it’s by 11:59pm on New Year’s Eve. I want some traction. That would mean losing approximately 45 (give or take) pounds in 4 months. Possible? Yes. Aggressive? Sure. Achievable? Only I can answer that…in about four months.

I have 14 months until Hawaii. In that amount of time, I want to reduce the pressure on my knee. One pound of body weight = 4 pounds of pressure on my knee. Losing that 45 would take off 180 pounds of pressure. That’ll help. I want to be a better swimmer. I want to haul my carcass around for more than an hour without having to take to the couch for a day. I want to learn to ride a bike. I want to be a better swimmer with more endurance. I would love to wear a bathing suit with a size that starts with a 1 vs. a 2. I think that’s possible.

I have to stop planning and thinking and considering and really just start doing. Sucking it up, expressing my feelings vs. stuffing them down, and be disciplined. I need to look for my rewards in the broader, bigger picture and not immediate gratification. I need to remember what it’s like to feel good and make the most of it.

I need to get it going. Now.

I just deleted my entire blog. July 19, 2009

40+ posts gone. Intentionally. Poof. Clean slate.

I started a blog in February 2009 as my 145th attempt (give or take) at losing weight in my life. I’d managed to keep it up for about three months before it fell by the wayside and died a painful death. At about that time I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my knee with a valgus deformity of my leg. People, I’m 40. Not a spring chicken, sure, but not decrepit either. I’m too young to be this old.

So it’s been nigh impossible to get any sort of weight loss traction going as I’ve been figuring out how to manage my knee pain and what kind of exercise I can manage consistently. I’d started swimming – which was awesome – and then I got tendonitis in my elbow and needed a few months “off” to get that under control. When it rains, it pours.

Did I mention I’m too young for this crap?

Next year I’m going to Hawaii with my husband to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. I want to look good, feel good, and be able to walk without pain. You’d think that wouldn’t be a lot to ask for, right? We’ll see. My doctor told me that every pound I lose = 4 pounds less pressure on my knee.

I’m 344 pounds, dude. That is a LOT of pressure on my knees right now. So by the time I’m at my weight loss goal (160), that will be -184 pounds. OMFG. But I digress. So 184 x 4 = 736 less pounds of pressure on my knee. And I’m going to have to do it on my own. No surgery. No magic pill. No lettuce leaf diet.

So here are the highlights of who I am and what I’m doing:

• My highest weight every was 370.
• In recent weeks I’ve been down to 334.
• I’m 344 as of this morning.
• I’m going to Hawaii in 64 weeks

Here we go.