“I’m not letting you stop…” August 30, 2010

You know, I’ve been doing this for a long time. We’re talking decades of weight loss attempts. Granted, I’ve not done it as well as I could have…as well as I *should* have. Some efforts were more successful than others, and at least I can say that…right now…I’m not as fat as I have been. So that’s a plus. Focus on the positive.

Throughout my attempts, there have been a LOT of people who tried to help me.

The elementary-school friend who wrote up my first ‘self improvement’ plan. And yes, I’m serious – ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

The best friend who bought a Bally’s membership with me – even though she really couldn’t afford it – so I’d have someone to go with.

The bawdy friend who’d go walking with me and come over to my apartment to do Richard Simmons videos with me (and cuss out Richard right beside me – God bless her).

Then there was the Weight Watchers era, and a slew of friends (both “live” and “virtual”) who tried to root me on. Who asked me about my weigh ins, cheered the weight losses, and consoled the slip-ups.

The career girl friend who actually offered up the help of her own trainer.

The therapist who truly wanted to help me figure out what my root issues are. Even her woeful replacement who dispatched me to a psychiatrist for a Wellbutrin prescription and tried to shove Medifast down my gullet. Sigh.

The trainers I hired on my own – Trainers Barbie and Catherine Zeta (as christened by moi because, of course, it wasn’t enough that they were fit but they had to be gorgeous too, right? double sigh).

While some of these folks are still in my life, they’re on the periphery – by and large they gave up on me for giving up on myself. Some I left behind because it was easier to avoid vs. own up.

Lately though I’ve been reminded that I’m not alone. That there are people who somehow manage to love me despite my neuroses, and who still want to hang in there despite my worst flaws and abandonment/hibernation tendencies.

Lunch with beloved sweet friends yesterday helped remind me. They find a way to cut right through to my heart and it warms me immeasurably.

An e-mail today from a nutritionist friend helped seal the deal. Here I have this amazing friend who wants to help me – for free – and I got so caught up in my own issues that I’d avoided reporting in. I felt guilty I was wasting this fantastic gift. i felt she didn’t deserve a “client” like me who wasn’t putting in her all. I tried to “give up” and give her an out. And damn if she refused to take it. She writes in part:

I’m not going anywhere and I’m not letting you *give* in – this is a long process because it’s more than just switching to brown rice ya know?

Let me re-iterate something to you: this will not be easy and you do not need to be perfect for this to work…there is success in every small thing we accomplish.

So, I’m not letting you stop –

I’m not letting me stop, either.

It Are Mai Birfday June 15, 2010

It is my birthday.
And, yes, I’ll stop the LOLcat speak.

Like every other birthday, I had grand plans and goals that by this day, I’d be X. I’d have done Y. And Z would be my next goal on the horizon. And yet here we are, and I’m not even past A. Sigh.

I did not go back to Weight Watches on June 5. Or on June 12. But I think that my butt will be in the seat on June 19. It was working for me until I stopped working it. And how and why I stopped working it befuddles me. I got into a car accident, and I didn’t blow it. And, yet, somehow, I just…stopped. Like a fire just goes out. Or, rather, my Inner Fat Girl throws herself on it and smothers it out. Bitch.

I’m tired of setting goals that are never achieved.
I’m tired of saying Now! Is! The! Time! only to mea culpa a day/week/month/year/decade later.
I’m tired of being fat and in pain, yet seemingly incapable of making the choices that could free me from that suffering.

This birthday has been eye-opening in a lot of ways. It occurs to me how much I’ve just given up. I didn’t make a big deal out of the day. I put absolutely no effort into planning or thinking or dreaming of how I might want to spend the one day out of the year that’s supposed to be all-about-me. Couldn’t even think about or suggest any wish-list items to my gift-challenged husband (bless his soul, I don’t give him much to go on and yet he tries). I completely abdicated this day like I’ve done my life.

I wanted to come here and trumpet that today is my birthday and I started! it! by! going! to! the! gym! Only to wake up at 4am this morning with the worst cramp in my hip (I can’t even explain what that means, just know that my hitch is not gettin’ along) and I could barely get out of bed, let alone go swimming or get on an elliptical. Which, to be honest, would not have been what I’d consider a fun thing to do on my birthday, but I wanted to be “that girl” – which, in this case, is the girl who goes to the gym on her birthday.

And therein is my problem, methinks. The “that girl” I want to be seems so freakin’ different from the me that I am, I don’t know how to reconcile the two. Do I *really* want to be “that girl?” Because, don’t you think if I *did*, “this girl” would try harder? Or do I really just want to be the “this girl” that I am, and just get permission (from God knows who) to just be that way?

Like, “that girl” really wants to get outside, and build raised garden beds and grow vegetables and enjoy the sunshine and outdoors. But “this girl” is paler than a vampire, can’t be on her knees, hates the heat, is not a fan of getting dirty, and is an all-you-can-eat buffet for skeeters. “This girl” hardly wants to go outside to get the mail half the time. See my dilemma? I don’t want to be “this girl.” I want to be “that girl.” But I wonder, if I ever got to be “that girl” – she would be me, and would I then want something different, too?

Getting too deep for 10:40 in the morning.

Last year, I did an every-day-in-May exercise challenge, and I was rocking it. I weighed about 15 pounds less (I’m guessing because – anyone? anyone? – yes, I’ve not been on a scale in a while).

Two years ago, my husband and I traipsed through Zion National Park. I weighed 345 pounds. t wasn’t a cake-walk, but I managed.

I go to Hawaii in just a few months. I am in serious danger of going there fatter than I was the last time. I’m not even confident I’ll be able to walk any length of time on a beach, on a trail, etc.

I’m 41 today. Why do I feel that the 4 should really be a 9?

I want a better life.
I want better health.
I deserve a better life.
I deserve better health.

I deserve to be a me that I can stand behind.

Hi. May 31, 2010

It’s pretty sad when you’ve been away from your blog for so long that it doesn’t even show up in your browser history. That’s a long absence.

When I get into trouble – when things get hard – I disappear. And, well, I got into trouble and things got hard, and under my rock I climbed. It’s second-nature behavior for me. I’m good at recognizing it but haven’t yet succeeded in rethinking/reframing/rebehaving in a way that helps me through the challenges vs. just running away from them.

I’m reading a really great book by Geneen Roth called Women, Food and God. Because I’m a woman, obsessed with food, and utterly conflicted about God. So it’s a good fit, and a real eye opener.

When I read these “kinds” of books (and let’s face it, I’ve read a LOT of these kinds of books), I tend to underline passages that resonate with me. I’ve probably underlined 1/4th of it thus far and I’d *love* to post them but they’re so many I’m sure I’d get sued for copyright infringement.

What’s grabbing me the most, the thing that makes me tear up when I read it, is just how much I’ve used food as an escape. I have finally figured out that I’m not one of those people who says they “just love food.” I don’t love the food. Most of the time, I loathe the food (as I’m shoveling it down my gullet). What I love is what the food does for me. I love how the food makes me feel for the nanosecond I am eating it…before it’s gone.

There’s a line in the book where she writes (and I’m paraphrasing) that basically all the evils of the world would vanish when she’d eat a Hostess Sno-ball. In that moment, she became all that she didn’t believe she was at the moment. Until it was gone, of course.

When I eat, I am normal. And whole. And loved. When I eat, it’s a reward for putting in the extra hours (although, if I didn’t put in the extra hours, I wouldn’t be eating as poorly as I do). When I eat, it’s because I’m “treating” myself (even though 90% of time, the food is kinda crappy). When I eat, I am not the me I otherwise know myself to be (even if that “me” isn’t an accurate perception).

—-

So, yeah, there’s that.

I got into trouble not long after the “I think it’s gonna stick” post. Because, yeah, that was a smart idea – crowing to the universe about my newfound strength and resolve. Sigh. I found my eating habits getting a bit lax. I found my work life getting crazier. I found a seriously fantastic new way to distract myself from myself, and I fell off my wagon. HARD. And then I just abandoned everything I had been doing, and using every self-numbing tactic I knew. I found myself up 2 pounds on the home scale, and then skipped my Weight Watchers meeting. At the time I told myself it was okay. At the time I said that it was normal to have a gain after six great weeks. At the time I said no problem, I’ll shake it off and drop 4 pounds the next week.

And I haven’t been back since.
Nor have I gotten on any scale.
And I’m ashamed and embarrassed.

So here I am. Trying to grab hold and pull myself back from the brink. I’ve spent part of the day cleaning. Organizing my closet. Putting order to the chaos around me.

I’ve just thrown out my winter sweaters – my fall back clothes. They are so overworn (because nothing else fits and I hate shopping) that I couldn’t bear the sight of them anymore. Come next winter, I will have to buy new clothes, regardless of my size. I pray they will be smaller.

I’ve thrown out my folder of clippings. I’ve been clipping magazine articles about anything and everything for probably 10 years. Diet trends. Weight loss success stories. Exercise cards. “7 Ways to Feel Fearless!” kind of psychobabble. I’d look at my folder and always say to myself, “one day I’m going to work through that.” I would convince myself that my salvation would be found in the next story or sample menu. And, really, all I’ve ever done with it is schlep it from house to house, fiddle with it occasionally, and put it back wistfully because I wasn’t “ready” yet. Well, I’m never going to be ready. So it’s in the trash. I saved maybe 12 out of what is easily (no exaggeration) 200 pages. One page is a closet I covet (for my “next house”, of course). Another two pages are charts from when I was working with a trainer on free weights about, oh, 7 years ago? I’d like to get back to those numbers. I saved a group of pages from People’s “I Lost Half My Size” series because I look so much like their Before pictures – if they can do it, so can I. And I saved one article of a woman who started losing 150+ pounds after 40. Because 41 is ready to slap me upside the head in 2 weeks.

So, no, I don’t have any clue if *this* is going to stick. But I’d like it to be a tad sticky, at the very least. The fact that I’m posting today instead of deleting my entire blog (something I’ve done before), is a positive step in that direction – as is admitting how I’ve failed yet again.

I haven’t decided if I’ll be at my WW meeting on Saturday. As I think about it, I hear a friend’s voice in my ear asking me, “Why not just go?”

Perhaps.

It’s Going to Stick April 20, 2010

A good friend and I are both working to make this weight journey one that will “stick.” We’ve each had our own fits and restarts and we’re both really pulling for this to stick with the other.

And today, for the first time, I really have a feeling in my gut that it will.

After leaving work today, I was headed to the gym. Sore muscles be damned, I was going to try that elliptical again. While sitting in traffic, my plans got derailed. I heard a large CRUNCH and before I could look into my rear view mirror, my car was struck from behind – HARD – and then I hit the car in front of me. I was the third car in a four-car accident.

I’m fine. The woman I hit (Car 4) was fine. The woman (Car 2) who hit me was a basket case. The woman who hit her (Car 1) – who was responsible for hitting ALL OF US – had an “Oh, Fuck” look on her face. Car 1 and Car 2 went to the hospital in an ambulance. Car 4 was fine. I have a stiff neck. I knew the second I was hit that my head was jerking forward. Meh. Thankfully, that’s the worst of my injuries (aside from the nervous-belly-hands-shaking reaction). My car? I don’t even want to talk about it right now. Whatever. It’s on someone else to fix it.

So other than my drama, what’s my point here? I’m not eating. I’m not eating (or drinking) my fear. I’m not eating (or drinking) my frustration. I’m not eating (or drinking) my oh-my-God-I-want-to-shake-that-woman-for-not-paying-attention rage. I’m not eating (or drinking) my self pity. I’m not eating (or drinking) my sense of I-deserve-something-for-dealing-with-that.

I feel jittery and shaky. I feel stiff and sore and unsure of how this is going to progress. I feel unsettled. I had to page my husband at his fitness center and have him drive an hour out of his way to come get me, and even thought it’s not rational, I feel guilty. I don’t have time to deal with this. I am feeling anxious about all the logistics crap I have to work through tomorrow. I am FEELING all of these feelings without food or booze as an anesthetic. I am not eating or drinking it away.

It’s not that I don’t want it – because I do. I really freaking do. But I know that food won’t help and I am actively choosing to respect my points – and respect myself. That’s the key.

And I’m proud of that.

I think it’s going to stick this time. I really do.

OMGOMGOMGOMG! April 18, 2010

Yes, I’m just *that* excited.

For the first time in a long time, I went back to the gym today. I earned my first Weight Watcher Activity Points!

I was really nervous going in because I knew I wanted to test my knee out on the elliptical and bike, and had no idea what I was in for. My first few moments on the elliptical were dicey – I was kind of afraid to push down on my leg to get it going, but once I did, I hit my groove. Very fluid motion, no real complaints from my knee. I was SO HAPPY. Like, crazy joy happy. Did 10 minutes to start.

The stationery bike, on the other hand, was not so happy-making. I could not find the sweet spot between leg extension and knee bend so it was a problematic experience. Only did 10 minutes on that. I will try again, maybe on a different machine. I’m not convinced it was the repetitive nature that caused me a problem, I think it was just positioning.

So what did I do? Went back to the elliptical. For another 10 minutes. So, 20 minutes total. Which for me, and my knee, is HUGE. My heart rate was in the zone the entire time (both times, actually) and I was all tomato-facey.

Then my husband helped me strength train for another half hour – getting me reacquainted with free weights again. We went through a few sets of shoulders, biceps, triceps, deltoids and bench press. I worked.

And it felt awesome. I can *do* this. There is hope after all.

YAY!

Weigh In Report April 10, 2010

Today marks my four weeks on program. This week, I lost 3.6 pounds. For the month, I’m down 14.2. Pretty damn spiffy!

I spent a good part of today confronting my past. More on that tomorrow.

Happiness Project Commandment: Give Thanks Often April 7, 2010

I think from time to time we all say things – either out loud or to ourselves – about how miserable we are, how much we hate our lives, etc. I know I’ve done all that on occasion (um, okay, yesterday, thanks to the second round of ebola-like cold virus in a month).

But this isn’t what we (ok, *I*) should be sending out to the Universe, because that just invites trouble. We should find a way to give thanks more often for the blessings and good things we do have.

Today, I give thanks…

for the roof over my head
and the green grass, and budding trees, and blooming tulips that are just outside my window
and that the dumbass woodpecker who flew into said window and knocked himself out actually recovered and flew away (even if he made me fret for a half-hour watching him to see if he was alive/hurt/fly-worthy)
that I can *usually* breathe through my nose (just not this week, apparently)
that I can stand and walk under my own power
that I can see, smell, taste, hear, and touch things
that I have love in my life
and friends
and furbabies
and a j-o-b (which, by the way, gave me a surprise, didn’t-at-all-see-that-coming raise on Monday)
and that my batshit director has been mellow-ish lately
that I can pay my bills (even if I bitch about them)
that I am free to think and say anything I want, even if it’s stupid or self-centered or offensive
that I was open to trying Weight Watchers again
and that it’s working (because I’m working it)
and that I’m *finally* using it as a crutch to get me *through* rocky times vs. abandoning it
that Melissa got her conniving ass kicked off Biggest Loser 9 for good – GOD I HATE her!
that Hulu lets me catch up on Lost
that Glee is finally coming back (how stupid was that hiatus, anyway?)
that I have a girlie lunch date next week
that I’m going to Hawaii in 27 weeks. gulp.

Lots to be thankful for.

Holiday Food and, um, Regular Food April 4, 2010

Two Posts for the Price of One!

#1 – Easter (really Holidays in general)
Technically, this is my first holiday on Weight Watchers. I have a very family so holidays are not the frenetic, drama-infused food fests that other people have to deal with. So, in that way I’m lucky. I do miss the whole notion of the Norman Rockwell-style holiday gathering but after hearing horror story after horror story of family-gatherings-gone-bad, I’ll take my small, uneventful celebrations. That said, I will *never* be one of those people who frets about points or how to escape a holiday “unscathed.” Holidays, to me, are few and far between and reason for splurging. If we’re all supposed to believe that it’s “not a diet, it’s a lifestyle” then there is room to mindfully enjoy the holiday for what it is, and guiltlessly those delectable treats you only get once a year (chocolate bunnies!!). Do damage repair the rest of the week. I will tell you right now that there’s no way in hell I’m missing out on my own birthday cake and champagne, my mother’s buttery Thanksgiving stuffing, or the sinfully-delicious bisque I make out of the discarded New Year’s Eve lobster shells. Oh HELL no.

#2 – Preparation
I spent my Easter Sunday cooking. I’m both pleased and frustrated by this. Got tonight’s dinner marinating: WW Seasoned Pork Tenderloin (which, by the way, smells fab-u-lous right now). Then I got tomorrow’s dinner cooking in the crockpot: Chicken Ropa Vieja – this will also be a lunch or two next week (I make this about once every two weeks, yumm-o). *Then* I cooked some shrimp and pasta to make some pasta salad lunches. So, yeah, I spent the whole day prepping, chopping, cooking, and cleaning (dear GOD I hate doing dishes). On the one hand, I’m tickled that I got so much accomplished and I am prepared for next week – going off my routine makes my life more challenging than I need right now. On the other hand, I get two days off a week. Half of yesterday was spent at my WW meeting and grocery shopping. Just seems like my life is all about food these days. Sigh.

Weigh-In Day…and a word to my supporters :) April 3, 2010

Literally and figuratively.

Weighing in on this past week:
It was a rough road, I’m not going to lie. My previous post says it all – not going to relive it except to say that, yes, it was a wake-up call. Having that kind of experience during a PMS week? Well that was just cruel – thanks for nothing, Universe. The upheaval in my regular routine plus the drama and – a bit of a fade in my recent WW enthusiasm (has the honeymoon already ended?) led me to snarf a bit more than past couple of weeks. What’s good about all of this is that it wasn’t a mindless binge – I was aware of what was going on. Not that I did much to curtail it (although I did do some), but I think that knowing the “why’s” of my actions will serve me well.

Weighing in on the scale:
Dun-dun-dun…

I lost another two pounds. Yay! That brings me to 352.4, or down 10.6 pounds in three weeks. I’m more than half-way to my first 5% goal. I hope that I can keep close to this weekly average of 2lbs a week for the next couple of weeks. That would get me to where I was at the same point last year. That would be nice. Now it’s up to me to make that happen.

Weighing in on this blog and those who read it:
Thank you for being here. Thank you for taking the time to read what I write and leave me notes. Thank you for rooting me on. I have tried and failed so many times – consistency has been my nemesis. You help keep me moving forward, and I appreciate it so very much. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

So Back to this Happiness Project Thingie… March 29, 2010

With all that’s gone down over here in the last few weeks and months I feel like I’ve sort of lost focus on the whole thing. But then, I was looking at my “commandments” this weekend (framed, on the nightstand) it occurred to me that in, in some ways, I’ve been working them even if it’s not immediately apparent.

Be Imperfect – check! I’ve been much better at “it’ll have to do” lately than ever before.

Love Yourself – check! Getting back to Weight Watchers, despite my reservations, is probably one of the most self-loving things I’ve done in a long time. And this time it just feels right.

Own Your Crazy – working on it. There’s a lot of crazy to parse through. I’m trying to separate those thoughts into different, more manageable buckets. More on that later.

Notice Things – working on it. I really am one of the most oblivious creatures on the planet.

Be Courageous – check! An example…tomorrow and Wednesday I’m in a 2-day presentation skills class. I have to get up in front of my peers (and strangers) and give 4 presentations over two days. And I’ll be v.i.d.e.o.t.a.p.e.d while I do it (sweet Jesus) and I’ll have to *watch* the tapes and critique myself. I’m trying not to throw up in my mouth at the thought of it. But then I look at it this way – I will have video evidence of my “before” right?

Give Thanks Often – getting there! I have really tried to step up and say thank you, and stay in better communication, and even compliment random strangers. It feels so good to bring a smile to someone’s face (note to self: this goes along with notice things) and to be in regular contact with those I love.

Live – Don’t Exist – working on it. I still have this tendency to put off my life until a future point in time.

Let Go – getting there! Slowly but surely I’m shedding people and things that bring me down. More on that later, too.

Seek What Thrills You – working on it. As I’ve been focusing on other areas I get these snippets of thoughts or “whispers” as I like to call it about things that would be fun to do or experience. I need to do a better job of channeling those thoughts into actions – or at the very least put them down on paper or in the blog to capture them before they flit right back out of my head.

Find the Prize – check! The original intent of this commandment was to try and find the meaning in all things that I do, even if it seems mundane or worthless or stupid (waves at employer). And I am doing that, but in really taking a different look I am finding that I AM THE PRIZE. Me. I’m the prize. That’s hard to say because it sounds soooo boastful, but hell, why am I working on all these things if not to realize that I’m trying to find the best me? To make myself strong and happy and vibrant. That’s the person I most want to share with others.

Adorn Yourself – getting there! What’s good is that I finally found a haircolor/haircut I love – that I can do quickly to get out of the house or make “nicer” when I need to. I’ve also declared April as 30-Days-To-Prettier month. Putting more care and attention into a beauty regimen so that come May I will have banished winter flakiness in favor of dewy fresh skin, pretty fingers and toes, and…potentially…a livable makeup routine.

So, really, not too shabby. There’s some successes and opportunities here to build on and that makes me…wait for it…happy. Go figure.