This is Me. April 11, 2010

Ugh. I can’t believe I’m putting this out to the Interwebs. Oy.

So, if you’ve been with me for a while, you may recall my “traumatized” post about being filmed at a presentation class. And then watching the DVD.

It’s taken me this long to go back to it. And I’m no less horrified. That said, I wanted to capture it and put it out there. It’s important to really understand the scope of this journey – I need to see “me” as others see me. And I figured that you might want to see the Fat Girl I’m trying to exorcise.

This is me…”before” (and yes, I swirlied my face for a bit of privacy)

I’m not naked but I feel like I am. It’s hard. Be kind. 🙂

But here is the weirdest part for me. I do not identify with these images. I know these are my pictures but they don’t feel like me. When I was working to capture the screen shot from the video, I became somewhat detached. I tried to catch “her” front view or “that girl’s” side view. Disconnected. I don’t know if that’s good or bad?

I just deleted my entire blog. July 19, 2009

40+ posts gone. Intentionally. Poof. Clean slate.

I started a blog in February 2009 as my 145th attempt (give or take) at losing weight in my life. I’d managed to keep it up for about three months before it fell by the wayside and died a painful death. At about that time I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my knee with a valgus deformity of my leg. People, I’m 40. Not a spring chicken, sure, but not decrepit either. I’m too young to be this old.

So it’s been nigh impossible to get any sort of weight loss traction going as I’ve been figuring out how to manage my knee pain and what kind of exercise I can manage consistently. I’d started swimming – which was awesome – and then I got tendonitis in my elbow and needed a few months “off” to get that under control. When it rains, it pours.

Did I mention I’m too young for this crap?

Next year I’m going to Hawaii with my husband to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. I want to look good, feel good, and be able to walk without pain. You’d think that wouldn’t be a lot to ask for, right? We’ll see. My doctor told me that every pound I lose = 4 pounds less pressure on my knee.

I’m 344 pounds, dude. That is a LOT of pressure on my knees right now. So by the time I’m at my weight loss goal (160), that will be -184 pounds. OMFG. But I digress. So 184 x 4 = 736 less pounds of pressure on my knee. And I’m going to have to do it on my own. No surgery. No magic pill. No lettuce leaf diet.

So here are the highlights of who I am and what I’m doing:

• My highest weight every was 370.
• In recent weeks I’ve been down to 334.
• I’m 344 as of this morning.
• I’m going to Hawaii in 64 weeks

Here we go.